How my mental break down saved my marriage

imageimageI haven’t really posted too much here about my journey through depression. I wrote that I got my diagnosis. And that I started antidepressants and that I see an awesome psychologist. But not how it started. So here we go. On a journey back in time….

March 2015 – mentally I was done. Finished. There was no way I could handle another month. My marriage was, for all intents and purposes, over. I didn’t have a husband. I had a roommate. That I had to take responsibility for. He didn’t get it. He wasn’t mentally stable enough to understand. I felt like a bitch. I wasn’t even sure I was in love with him anymore.

July 2015 – nothing had gotten better. I was miserable. I didn’t even want to parent anymore. There didn’t seem to be much worth being happy about. Hubs was putting every ounce of mental strength he possessed into school. What was left went to the kids. There was nothing left for me. He wasn’t there for me. I wasn’t there for him as anything more then a secretary. I reminded him about assignments. Appointments. Tests. I managed his life. The kids lives. And wallowed in my misery. Until I snapped. I woke up and hated my life. I couldn’t stop crying. Hubs went to school. He had an assignment do. I felt worse then I ever did before. I knew my kids deserved better then me. Hubs came home early, I went to my mom and dads where no one was home. Just to be alone. The kids were scared. I was scared. Hubs made me a Dr appointment for the next day. I started antidepressants and he set things up for me to see a psychologist.

August 2015 – I had a hard time finding the right dose for my meds. I started seeing Dr H. I wasn’t noticing much of anything changing.

December 2015 – I was finally on the right dosage of my meds. Finally opening up to Dr H about things. Enjoyed a happy Christmas.

February 2016 – hubs and I could finally talk about things without one of us getting offending. I have a breakthrough in my thinking. Realize that if I want to feel like a wife I need to act like one. And be treated like one.

March 1, 2016 – I start working as a freelance writer. Hubs and I realize that there just isn’t room for two stay at home parents but his mental health isn’t stable enough for him to go to work, or be home alone with the kids.

March 10, 2016 – hubs and I talk. Like husband and wife. For the first time in a long time I feel like a wife. I feel like I have a partner.

March 18, 2016 – Dr H and I meet. We talk about the changes in the last 9 months. About how a mental breakdown has led to happiness. Everything happens for a reason.

Today. I have a husband. I love being a wife. A mom. A writer. I’ve been a better mom to my kids over the last few months then I had been for awhile. I feel like me again. I know this journey is far from over. I’m still relying on antidepressants and hubs still has a long road ahead. But today I feel like me. And that’s more amazing then I can express. My mental breakdown was one of the scariest thins to ever happen to me. But I’m so thankful it did.

 

Can I snuggle you?

Can I snuggle you. Ah. I hear these words so many times a day. And my heart melts each time. My coffee gets cold. My chores can wait. When the kids ask to snuggle I just can’t say no.

Alex is 5. He isn’t going to be asking for these snuggles forever. I think that every time he asks. And I want to cry. To beg him to stay little forever. But he is growing into such an amazing child. I can’t imagine holding him back.

Nick has his struggles. He doesn’t normally like to be touched. He gets overwhelmed easily. His senses process things a little more intensely. When he asks to snuggle I soak up every one of the 45 seconds I get with him. I know it means a lot to him to even use his words and ask me to stop what I am doing to snuggle him.

Zoey and Emma are both at ages that they are far too busy to want to snuggle. Except for in the morning. And when they are tired. And I soak up every moment with them. Zoey’s chatter about princesses and puppies. Emma’s big wet kisses and squirmy warmth.

The love I have for these four little beings still has the power to overwhelm me. Through the chaos and messes and noise and insanity, they have the power to stop me in my tracks with four simple words. ‘Can I snuggle you?’ Oh yes my sweet monsters. You certainly can.

Thoughts

I started today with the thought ‘my life sucks’ and it stuck.

I woke up to the boys fighting. The dog peed on the carpet (did I mention we had a dog? His names Yoda) and then I noticed the dog also pooped in the boys room (argh. He’s only 10 weeks old though) Then the boys starting fighting again. Emma woke up cranky and clingy. Hubs got a phone call that his step mom has stage three cancer. Alex was almost late for school. I was behind on dishes. Laundry. The floors needed to be swept. Bills needed to be paid (pay day was today) and then when I went to walk to the store it started raining. My. Life. Sucks. It was a refrain going around and around and around.

And then. There’s always an and then. It happened. Something shifted. I remembered Nick snuggling in my bed this morning. Alex helping Nick with a video game. Alex and Nick cheering for Zoey when she used the potty. Emma squealing when Yoda licked her. Hubs wrapping his arms around me. Emma and Zoey playing dolls together. Nick showing Zoey how to play Mario kart. Alex showing off his writing. Nick reading. Zoey’s pride at peeing on the potty. The feeling of sticky fingers. Kisses and hugs. Messy smiles. The excitement because I brought them home a sucker. We have a roof over our head. Food. Clothes. Happy, healthy, smart amazing children. A puppy who fits in with out family. I have a husband who puts up with me on my worst days.

my life doesn’t suck. Some parts of it might. But i am so blessed. My life is freaking awesome.

The day I disappeared. And why I am glad to have done it

On Sunday I decided to disappear. It was a decision long in coming. And while it’s only been 48 hours since I made the decision I can already feel the positive effects on my life.

On Sunday I deleted my Facebook account. This was met by a lot of different reactions. Some people reacted saying that they want to do the same but can’t because of XYZ. Some people were upset and wanted me to keep my Facebook so they could continue to watch the kids grow. Others just wanted to know why and wouldn’t accept any of the reasons I was willing to give them.

There were a lot of things that lead me to my decision. The biggest was that I am, quite simply, over it. I’m over the pretending. The vague posts for attention. The sympathy posts. The posts that offend people. Needing to censor myself. Fakebook. I am over Fakebook. I can’t post to Facebook that I am having a bad day, that my depression is rearing its ugly head and my kids are being impossible. I did once. It was met with negativity. Not support like I had though from my friends and family. I can’t even control who I have on my Facebook! When I deleted family members who were being negative and unsupportive it created drama until I gave in and added them back!

How absurd.

My reality is this: I struggle. I have depression. I have a husband who has Chronic Pain Disorder, Depression and Anxiety. I have four children. One of my four children is Sensory Sensitive and is being assessed for Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder. We also just adopted a puppy. We have good days and we have bad days. Sometimes our house is messy. Sometimes it’s spotless (for like… 30 seconds)

I am glad I got rid of Facebook. In just 48 hours I can already see the positives:

  1. All those minutes I spent scrolling through Facebook. I am spending them with the kids. Cleaning. Reading books. Those minutes add up!
  2. All the stress I had from peoples opinionated comments. Posts. Messages. People having no filters because they were behind a screen. You don’t realize how stressful it is until the stress is taken away.
  3. No judgement. As much as I always claimed that I didn’t care what people thought about me and what I posted, I did. Would people laugh at what Alex just said? Would people find it funny that Zoey just drank her ketchup off her plate with a straw or will I be judged a bad parent. Maybe I shouldn’t share that I am exhausted that the kids have all been taking turns getting sick for the last 5 weeks and I haven’t had more then 4 hours of sleep a night.
  4. Now I am focusing on me and my family.
I know none of that seems huge. But for me it is. I feel happier already. Just 48 hours in. I can only see it getting better!
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I am not calling it a resolution…

I am not calling it a resolution. Last time I did that I found out I was pregnant. And I don’t really want that news right now.

But, I joined a gym! Yay! I am so excited. I got 36 sessions with a personal trainer. I am increasing my water intake and *trying* to decrease my coffee. But my kids suck. And don’t sleep. So coffee and I are friends.

I am also starting to look for work. Hubs is on permanent disability now. His mental health is improving though and he is slowly taking on more and more around the house. I feel like it’s time for me to get out and do something. I want to be a stay at home mom though. Which is why I decided that I am looking for part time evening work. I applied for a job with the city today that had perfect hours. Good pay. And benefits. Which is the one thing veterans affairs isn’t giving us.

I also finally found a perfect preschool program for Nick. But Nick  and his struggles are another post for another time.

I am so glad I am getting back into blogging. I look forward to sharing so much with any followers I may still have!

Love, hugs and more to come later!!

And then he turned 5

what! Alex is FIVE!!! How did this even happen. My goodness. It’s crazy.

Alex,

First off, I love you. So so much. You made me a mom. You gave me confidence even though I still constantly question myself. In you I see so much of me it’s eerie. I hope you can take those qualities and be an amazing human. In the last year you’ve shown me so much. You’re so intuitive. Smart. Strong and amazing.

You have a joy that can’t be brought down. A curiosity that can’t be satisfied. And it amazes me. You’re always so full of questions. Always so intrigued by everything around you. Youre an amazing big brother to Nick Zoey and Emma. You’re always so willing to help and always so eager to explore.

Never lose that baby boy. And never forget that dad and I are always here for you. No matter what. You’re going to do amazing things in this life. You already have.

I love you to the moon and back my sweet boy. But please please stop growing so fast!

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Hello…

Hello!

I wish I had been blogging more this year. I got an email today and I only posted 48 times this year. That makes me sad. This year has been so intense.

Today I am reeling. Reeling with milestones. News.

Alex turned 5 today. FIVE!!! WTH!!! But I will post about his big day tomorrow. Because today there is something even heavier weighing on me.

Hubs went and seen his neurologist today. His condition has been worsening. Steadily. He has been labelled as Permanently Impaired. We have been working hard to wrap our heads around this.

And then today. Today after so many appointments. So many Drs. So many tests. The neurologist points out that his B12 is low. And has been for awhile. And most of his symptoms, his worst symptoms, can be attributed to a B12 deficiency. HOW DID NO ONE THINK TO MENTION THIS TO US EVER.

Why? How? How did this get missed? We are doing brain scans and MRIs and CT scans and Nerve tests and the list goes on. We are hearing about MS, Brain Lesions, Parkinson’s. So many scary things. So many maybes.

We are changing our lifestyles. Making decisions. All based on this mystery disease that is disabling my not even thirty year old husband.

He gave up his career. We moved across the country. Gave up everything. Suffered through depression and marriage issues I never thought we would face.

This answer seems so simple.

I am so angry that it was missed.

So scared it’s not the real answer.

So scared it’s another false hope that maybe we found the problem. That maybe it can be fixed.

So scared it won’t be the answer. Scared of the depression we are both going to face when we realize he’s not improving. When the placebo effect wears off. When he suddenly starts getting worse again.

So angry at everything we lost.

So grateful we have worked through our issues and this didn’t ruin our marriage.

Stay tuned, I will post again soon.

Love, Hugs and more to come later

Lynn