Unwarrented Momma Guilt

I am sure as moms we all know the feeling of feeling guilty over things we really don’t need to feel guilty about. Things that are beyond our control, or things that it is simply unproductive to feel guilt over. This is how I am feeling right now.

On Wednesday I brought Nick in for his 18 month assessment with public health. (Yes, he was 23 months, but some wires got crossed when it came to his appointment as to whether he was supposed to have it or not, it was a headache)

In this hour long assessment they quiz me on his eating habits, sleeping habits, teeth brushing, tv watching, home safety, and development. They then assess him in four areas. Gross motor skills, fine motor skills, speech, and social development.

Each area is scored out of 60, overall Nick did great. His gross motor, fine motor and social skills all scored above a 50. His speech score was a 15.

Now, I have suspected for awhile that there was something off with his speech and ability to talk. I brought this up at his 12 month check, his 18 month check, and to some people close to me that I trust to give me honest opinions. Over and over I was told the same things. ‘He’s just slower in that area.’ ‘He’ll get it when he is ready.’ ‘It’s because he has an older brother.’

Even though my instincts told me there was something up with him, I allowed myself to be convinced. Now we are waiting a 4-6 month wait  for him to be seen by a speech therapist. If they determine he needs speech therapy we will need to wait an additional 6 months for him to start getting regular speech therapy. That means he is going to be almost 3 before he is getting help.

I was told that 2.5-3 yrs old is the best time for him to get help. But I still feel guilty. I knew a year ago that he wasn’t where he should be.

I guess that’s Momma guilt for  you though.

I have gotten into contact with some friends who have experience with delayed speech and hubs and I have a plan in place to start helping Nick now. I know he will catch up. I guess it’s a little hard to acknowledge your child is struggling with something that was my responsibility to help me learn.

Ah well. Momma guilt. I’ll get over it, and my sweet boy will learn to talk. (He gets a little better every day)

Love, hugs and more to come later!
Lynn

Making the baby cry

I have been doing really well with the whole yelling at the kids thing (I know i don’t post much about it) But I have definitely been not yelling much more then yelling. I have been proud of myself. If I do raise my voice it’s typically because I need to get their attention now and I am panicked. (Such as when Alex was swinging a heavy toy around and almost whacked Zoey in the face with it and I wasn’t going to be able to reach him before it happened)

But this morning…. This morning was different. And I am ashamed of myself.

The boys are having a rough morning. And I am not feeling great this morning. Which is no excuse. But it’s the fact. Alex has been continually taking away the toy Nick is playing with which is leading to Nick throwing tantrum after tantrum. I have intervened I don’t know how many times. I have asked him nicely. I have redirected him. I have given him warnings. Time outs. I was at my wits end. He took the same toy from Nick for the third time in less then 5 minutes while I was trying to feed Zoey.

I yelled.

Loud.

It scared Alex. It scared Nick. It scared Zoey. All three of them were in tears. I was in tears.

I write this because I need to acknowledge it. I know I am not a bad mom just because I yelled at the kids. I know they still love me and they know I love them. I apologized to them. I explained again to Alex that he cannot take things from his brother and sister. It’s not nice. The kids and I had hugs and snuggles for a few minutes and then the boys went off to play again.

That was 20 minutes ago. Since then Alex and Nick have been playing  nicely together. I’m not saying that I did the right thing by yelling, but I am glad they get the point.

I still feel guilty.

Love, hugs, and more to come later!
Lynn

Battling Demons

Being pregnant is one of the best and worst things I have ever experienced. I love being pregnant, the joy in the miracle of creating life inside me. Knowing that in the not too distant future I will be holding a child that Hubs and I created out of our love for each other. Feeling the baby kick. There is the other side too, the heartburn (which has only affecting me with Zoey and this pregnancy) morning sickness (which only affected me with Nick and Alex) and the hip pain (which has been present in all four pregnancies.

There is something else that has been present with pregnancy, the Hormones.

Hormones are a wonderfully horrible thing.

After I gave birth to Nick, I struggled with Postpartum depression and anxiety. It was present a little bit after I had Alex and Zoey, but nothing like after I has Nick.

While I was pregnant with Zoey, I went through periods of time where it would hit me a little bit but I was always able to shake it off and keep going. This time.. I feel like it is consuming me.

I feel like I am worrying over things not worth worrying over. And I am stressing over things I can’t control. I am always tired, but I can’t sleep.

Right now is one of those moments. Zoey is napping in her chair next to me and the boys are outside in the backyard with Hubs. (We were out there as a family, but Zoey was ready for a nap)

And me… I feel alone, separated, like I am on an island surrounded by fog and I can’t get through it.

I can’t seem to find the way right now.

Love, hugs, and more to come later
Lynn

A letter of Love from my lowest point

This week, I am at the lowest I have been in a long long time. The reason why isn’t important, and even if it were, it’s more personal then anything I am able to share. I say this, not for sympathy, but for understanding as to why it is so important for me to say what I need to say to the 5 people who mean the most to me in this world.

To my husband: I know we have been hit hard lately.  We thought we were finally getting things on track to be able to give our children the best in life. This week has been especially hard on us. It seems as though it’s bad news followed by more bad news. But, we will get through this. We promised for better for for worse, in richness and poorness, through good health and bad. And I am proud of us for sticking so well to our promises. There are days when it would be so easy to give in and yell and scream at one another. To give up on presenting the illusion of being in control. But I can’t. I won’t. I love you. And those three words explain the best why I would never give up on you, or us, or our family.
Today, while I am up with the boys who suck and got up super early, I think back to when we met. The magic of seeing one another, the joy in a simple message from you. Things today are a lot different then they were back then. Yet, I still feel the same joy when you come walking through the door at the end of a long day. When you smile at me. Not to mention the amazing swell of love I feel when I  see you with our children.
Things aren’t perfect. But that’s okay. I think perfection is just an illusion anyways. I can’t imagine loving you more or feeling more loved then I do by you. On that  note, I wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope you love what the kids and I have decided to do for you today.

To my children: I love you. All four of you. There is nothing in this world that can bring out my emotions like you guys can. You guys bring so much joy to my life, there are no better Valentine’s in the world. I wish so much for you guys. I wish you guys happiness. I wish you joy. But most of all I wish to be able to raise you to understand that without a little bit of rain, you can’t have a rainbow. And for that reason, I also wish you rain. I wish for you to experience the greatest life has to offer, and I wish for you to understand and appreciate it. I wish for each of you to find the person in life that makes you as happy as your Daddy makes me.
I do my best to make everyday a great day for you guys. For you to go to bed happy and knowing just how loved you are. Every day is a new adventure and I am loving experiencing them all with you. As you grow and mature and start to do more and more for yourselves, I am so proud of you.  And scared for you. I know that there will come a Valentine’s Day when you are saddened by the holiday. Where you will think of heart break and sadness. When that day comes, I want you to remember that you have 2 parents and 3 siblings who love you through it all. And while it doesn’t make up for the heartbreak you may feel one day, it’s still there. You are never alone.
I’m not a perfect Mom. To be honest I don’t try to be. I am the best I can be, and I love you to the moon and back. You are  amazing little people and I am proud to call myself your Mom. Happy Valentine’s Day my babies. I love you.

To those of you who read and follow my blog, Happy Valentine’s Day to you too. Writing is a lot easier knowing that someone out there might care a little bit about me and the things I write. Even if we’ve never met.

Love, hugs, and more to come later!Lynn

The Honey-Do List

We’ve all see the commercials on TV and the references to Honey-Do lists on TV shows. It’s always long and full of time consuming chores that take up the husbands whole weekend.

When I told Hubs I was going to make him a Honey-Do list, I promised him that my lists were not going to be like that. They were going to be short and simple. Only take a couple of hours out of his whole weekend and they would be things designed to make my life a little easier.

I don’t think it’s fair for his whole weekend to be consumed doing chores. It’s his weekend and his time to relax just as much as it’s mine. We try to find a balance on the weekend so we are both able to relax, spend time together and with the kids, and get stuff done.

This week Hubs’ Honey-Do list consisted of 5 things.
1- Fix the baby gate at the top of the stairs (It was taken down to bring some furniture up and never put back up)
2- Go into Moores to pick up your suit. (It needed to be hemmed. It was done 3 weeks ago)
3- Take the boys outside to play(It’s finally warm this weekend and I know the boys would benefit greatly from some Daddy time)
4- Entertain the kids while I put the laundry away (I do the laundry during the week but the only thing I never seem to get around   to is folding it and getting it put away)
5- Put the boxes of yarn that are in my living room into the basement (I was given a few banana boxes of yarn, after I pulled out the yarn I am using for a couple projects I asked him to bring the rest to the basement and it still hadn’t happened)

He has done all these things for me now and I really appreciate it. It’s a couple things I don’t need to worry about now. Next weeks will likely be just as simple. A Honey-Do list doesn’t need to be filled with big chores, sometimes it’s the little chores that make the most difference. (Although in a few weeks we are going to spend a weekend switching our bedroom with the  boys room so we are in the bigger room and have space for the baby, it’s early but I don’t like to make big changes right before the baby comes!)

I also give myself a list of things I want to do while Hubs is home to entertain the kids. This weekend I wanted to get some baking done (failed, but I am going to do it with the kids this week!) go through the kids dressers (done) and plan at least 3 things for the kids and I to do this week for Valentines Day (done)

I hope everyone had a great weekend and has a great week!

Love, hugs and more to come later!
Lynn

We did it!

I am proud of myself right now. So I am going to brag myself up. Even though I know people do this all the time. This is my accomplishment and I am going to celebrate it.

This week was Hubs first week back at work after being home since I had Zoey back in May. It’s been great having him home with us, but our routines all involved two parents being home. I was able to do things without interruption. If the kids needed something and I was busy, they went to Daddy. It was simple.

This week was different. All of a sudden I needed to do the cleaning, cooking, entertaining, fight breaking up, and everything else on my own for the kids. Monday was a tough day, but we made it through… I even bathed the three kids at the same time on my own for the first time. Tuesday we were in and out with appointments and we survived it. Wednesday Zoey was a fussy monster from her shots the day before and the boys were full of energy. We survived that too. Thursday we had a play date in the morning and Friday I babysat. I may have been utterly exhausted by last night, but I survived it. We ate supper every night on time. The dishes and laundry got done. The floors were swept and mopped. The toys were picked up. The kids had things to do. They fought, but they also played nicely together.

Now the weekend is here. I made Hubs a Honey-Do list. It’s a small one. But it gives him some stuff to do this weekend that will make my week easier next week. We agreed that I am going to make him one each weekend so he knows what he can do to help me out the most. Today he gets to sleep in while I get up with the kids the way I did Monday to Friday. Tomorrow is my turn. So I can start Monday off freshly rested. Or at least that’s my hope. Only time will tell how effective it is.

Now if I could shake this feeling of total exhaustion, life would be good. Although, I am trying not to complain too much about being tired… it’s better then the morning sickness I had with Alex and Nick.

Next week shall be full of new adventures 🙂

Love, hugs and more to come later!
Lynn

What to do…

Today was day 3 of being home with the kids while Hubs was working.

I was having a hell of a time figuring out what to do with two toddlers determined to use me as a jungle gym while trying to keep Zoey happy.

Zoey was cranky because she had her needles yesterday so she was clingy and sleepy all day. This didn’t bode well with two very energetic boys. By 10 am I was wishing it was bedtime.

So what did I do?

This:

ImageImageImageImage

Yep. That’s snow. I went outside and brought the snow in to the kids. The boys wanted to go play outside, but with the mood Zoey was in, I didn’t see her being happy about it. And with all the ice under the snow, and not having a stroller to put Zoey in… It just seemed like a disaster waiting to happen.

Zoey played in the snow for about 10 minutes before she had enough and her and I moved into the living room. The boys then proceeded to have a snow fight in my kitchen. But, everyone was happy for almost an hour. I call that a Mommy win!

Love, hugs and more to come later! Lynn