Losing my mind….

I am pretty sure I am slowly going insane. This isn’t some ha ha joking post about being crazy for having four kids either. I legitimately think I am going crazy.

I can’t control my thoughts. I realize that sounds insane. I’m not suicidal. Or thinking about hurting anyone. Other then maybe that stupid person in the gas station who called me fat. But that’s not my point.

Guys my brain is telling me things. Crazy things. Like how amazing it would be to have another baby. The joy in finding out I am pregnant. The ultrasound. The heartbeat. Ah. I want it all. The kicks. The labor. The baby. The diapers.  The teething. The crying. The smiles. The hugs. The love.

We can’t have any more babies. 1- Christian got a vasectomy over a year ago and is 100% against a reversal (I know,  because I asked) and 2- I’m not in a stable mental place and I already have my hands, heart and home full with my four amazing babies.

But that feeling. It’s there.  6 months ago I swore I was over it. But today I want it so bad.
I’m losing it. Seriously losing it.

I hope these feelings pass soon. I can’t take this wanting something I can’t have .

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Moments

I haven’t blogged in a while. I just haven’t had the mental space to do it. I’m struggling to stay afloat and it sucks. Depression is a nasty bitch.
We moved last week from a 2 bedroom into a 3 bedroom. The extra space is amazing.  Or at least it will be when we are done unpacking and organizing stuff.

Emma turns one in 12 days. Alex starts kindergarten in 13 days. This has got me thinking about the little moments.  I’ve been trying to be more mindful of the small things.
Like when Alex comes into the room to tell me that he loves me before he turns around and runs back to play.
Or when Emma tries to walk and falls on her bum giggling.
Or when Nick gets excited because he wrote his name.  Again. On the wall. In permanent marker.
Or when Zoey tells me she needs to snuggle for a minute because she is tired.
Or when I wake up in the morning to all four of them crawling all over me in my bed wanting to snuggle.

I love my babies. I do it for them. And I will get myself back from this depression.  I know I can do it. I just don’t know how. 

Right now I am working on being more mindful. Of the little moments. Of what influences my mood. Of how quickly the kids are growing and changing. Of how delicious my coffee is.
Coffee. The key to my calm. Especially right now. Emma is napping. The three older kids are quietly watching a movie. And I am drinking a coffee. I love these moments. 

Love hugs and more to come later!
Lynn

The truth in my pain

There was once a time when my children didn’t overwhelm my very being. When I wasn’t short tempered and impatient. When I could clean and cook and do fun stuff with them. When everyday was an adventure with them and not just a day to get through. When I loved every moment of being a mom and never wondered why I had kids. When I just knew.

And then depression entered my life. Now some days are good days. But most days aren’t. Most days are just days to get through. Now I find myself frustrated and annoyed by tantrums that I used to work through with them. I find myself allowing more screen time. I take them to the park less.

I write this with a heavy heart and tears running down my cheeks. Alex starts school in a month. The last days of having him home with me all day everyday are upon us. And I can’t muster up the strength to enjoy them. I feel trapped in my weaknesses.

I love my kids more then words can possibly express. But lately I wonder if they know that. If I am capable of showing them that. It hurts to think I might be failing them. To know I’m not being the best I can be. And not know how to fix it.

I feel so much guilt when I raise my voice. Or snap at them. Or show my annoyances.

I dont write this for your sympathy or to search for words of encouragement. I write this because I feel alone. But I can’t be the only mom who feels this. I hope my confessions can make even one mom feel a little less alone.

Whoever you are, you are not alone.

Weddings

My cousin is getting married next month and I am one of her bridesmaids. I got my dress in today. I love it. So much. I just had to show it off!

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I feel so pretty!

Love, hugs and more to come later (when I find time, four kids is so busy!)

Lynn