I am pretty sure I am slowly going insane. This isn’t some ha ha joking post about being crazy for having four kids either. I legitimately think I am going crazy.
I can’t control my thoughts. I realize that sounds insane. I’m not suicidal. Or thinking about hurting anyone. Other then maybe that stupid person in the gas station who called me fat. But that’s not my point.
Guys my brain is telling me things. Crazy things. Like how amazing it would be to have another baby. The joy in finding out I am pregnant. The ultrasound. The heartbeat. Ah. I want it all. The kicks. The labor. The baby. The diapers. The teething. The crying. The smiles. The hugs. The love.
We can’t have any more babies. 1- Christian got a vasectomy over a year ago and is 100% against a reversal (I know, because I asked) and 2- I’m not in a stable mental place and I already have my hands, heart and home full with my four amazing babies.
But that feeling. It’s there. 6 months ago I swore I was over it. But today I want it so bad.
I’m losing it. Seriously losing it.
I hope these feelings pass soon. I can’t take this wanting something I can’t have .