Can I snuggle you?

Can I snuggle you. Ah. I hear these words so many times a day. And my heart melts each time. My coffee gets cold. My chores can wait. When the kids ask to snuggle I just can’t say no.

Alex is 5. He isn’t going to be asking for these snuggles forever. I think that every time he asks. And I want to cry. To beg him to stay little forever. But he is growing into such an amazing child. I can’t imagine holding him back.

Nick has his struggles. He doesn’t normally like to be touched. He gets overwhelmed easily. His senses process things a little more intensely. When he asks to snuggle I soak up every one of the 45 seconds I get with him. I know it means a lot to him to even use his words and ask me to stop what I am doing to snuggle him.

Zoey and Emma are both at ages that they are far too busy to want to snuggle. Except for in the morning. And when they are tired. And I soak up every moment with them. Zoey’s chatter about princesses and puppies. Emma’s big wet kisses and squirmy warmth.

The love I have for these four little beings still has the power to overwhelm me. Through the chaos and messes and noise and insanity, they have the power to stop me in my tracks with four simple words. ‘Can I snuggle you?’ Oh yes my sweet monsters. You certainly can.

Thoughts

I started today with the thought ‘my life sucks’ and it stuck.

I woke up to the boys fighting. The dog peed on the carpet (did I mention we had a dog? His names Yoda) and then I noticed the dog also pooped in the boys room (argh. He’s only 10 weeks old though) Then the boys starting fighting again. Emma woke up cranky and clingy. Hubs got a phone call that his step mom has stage three cancer. Alex was almost late for school. I was behind on dishes. Laundry. The floors needed to be swept. Bills needed to be paid (pay day was today) and then when I went to walk to the store it started raining. My. Life. Sucks. It was a refrain going around and around and around.

And then. There’s always an and then. It happened. Something shifted. I remembered Nick snuggling in my bed this morning. Alex helping Nick with a video game. Alex and Nick cheering for Zoey when she used the potty. Emma squealing when Yoda licked her. Hubs wrapping his arms around me. Emma and Zoey playing dolls together. Nick showing Zoey how to play Mario kart. Alex showing off his writing. Nick reading. Zoey’s pride at peeing on the potty. The feeling of sticky fingers. Kisses and hugs. Messy smiles. The excitement because I brought them home a sucker. We have a roof over our head. Food. Clothes. Happy, healthy, smart amazing children. A puppy who fits in with out family. I have a husband who puts up with me on my worst days.

my life doesn’t suck. Some parts of it might. But i am so blessed. My life is freaking awesome.

The day I disappeared. And why I am glad to have done it

On Sunday I decided to disappear. It was a decision long in coming. And while it’s only been 48 hours since I made the decision I can already feel the positive effects on my life.

On Sunday I deleted my Facebook account. This was met by a lot of different reactions. Some people reacted saying that they want to do the same but can’t because of XYZ. Some people were upset and wanted me to keep my Facebook so they could continue to watch the kids grow. Others just wanted to know why and wouldn’t accept any of the reasons I was willing to give them.

There were a lot of things that lead me to my decision. The biggest was that I am, quite simply, over it. I’m over the pretending. The vague posts for attention. The sympathy posts. The posts that offend people. Needing to censor myself. Fakebook. I am over Fakebook. I can’t post to Facebook that I am having a bad day, that my depression is rearing its ugly head and my kids are being impossible. I did once. It was met with negativity. Not support like I had though from my friends and family. I can’t even control who I have on my Facebook! When I deleted family members who were being negative and unsupportive it created drama until I gave in and added them back!

How absurd.

My reality is this: I struggle. I have depression. I have a husband who has Chronic Pain Disorder, Depression and Anxiety. I have four children. One of my four children is Sensory Sensitive and is being assessed for Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder. We also just adopted a puppy.¬†We have good days and we have bad days. Sometimes our house is messy. Sometimes it’s spotless (for like… 30 seconds)

I am glad I got rid of Facebook. In just 48 hours I can already see the positives:

  1. All those minutes I spent scrolling through Facebook. I am spending them with the kids. Cleaning. Reading books. Those minutes add up!
  2. All the stress I had from peoples opinionated comments. Posts. Messages. People having no filters because they were behind a screen. You don’t realize how stressful it is until the stress is taken away.
  3. No judgement. As much as I always claimed that I didn’t care what people thought about me and what I posted, I did. Would people laugh at what Alex just said? Would people find it funny that Zoey just drank her ketchup off her plate with a straw or will I be judged a bad parent. Maybe I shouldn’t share that I am exhausted that the kids have all been taking turns getting sick for the last 5 weeks and I haven’t had more then 4 hours of sleep a night.
  4. Now I am focusing on me and my family.
I know none of that seems huge. But for me it is. I feel happier already. Just 48 hours in. I can only see it getting better!
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