I’m done. And I am glad.

 I was in the mall with the three kids. Hubs had taken the van in to have an oil change. The kids and I went and walked around Chapters and Toys R Us. Their favorite places to window shop. When we were done, Alex and Nick were ready for a snack, and I was ready for a coffee. It was about 930 in the morning. I hadn’t brought a snack, because I though Hubs would have been back to pick us up by this point. There isn’t much option in a mall for snacks for kids. So I went to a fast food joint. I got me a coffee and I got some hash browns for the kids and I. Not the healthiest, I’ll admit, but it’s called a treat for a reason. There was a woman, who I had never met before, who felt the need to let me know that she felt that what I was feeding my children was wrong. I started to explain to this woman why I was feeding my children what I was when I suddenly realized, she wasn’t even listening. She was judge, jury and prosecutor without the need for me to say a word. This. This is why. I am done. 

Since I got pregnant with Alex just shy of four years ago I have spent so much time justifying my choices and trying desperately not to appear like a bad mom and to look as if I have it all together. I didn’t breastfeed BECAUSE….. My kitchen is a mess BECAUSE….. This is that BECAUSE….. So on and so forth. I was constantly explaining myself to everyone and constantly being judged regardless. And being judged on everything all the time…well… I said it didn’t bug me, but I have recently realized that it has.

You see, over the last few weeks I have been doing a lot of soul searching and a lot of figuring out me and what I want. Who I was 5 years ago and who I am today are very different. And while I know that in the last 5 years I have become a wife and a mom and therefore was destined to change, there were parts of me back then that I like better then the new version. Such as not caring what people think of me and not feeling like I needed to justify myself to anyone but me. (obviously, in a way I do need to justify myself to my husband, but I see that more as holding myself accountable to him. If I am going to do something big that we haven’t discussed, he deserves an explanation)

But, why I am always feeling the need to justify myself to people that I shouldn’t? Why do I feel the nosey old woman in the store deserves to know my intimate reasons for choosing not to breastfeed? Or why I had my kids close together? Or why my two year old still has a soother? Why do I think that explaining myself to these people will make them judge me less? It won’t. It doesn’t change how they think. They still think my way is wrong and feel the need to educate me on the ‘right’ way to do things.

So now. In addition to trying to look at things from a more positive light and not get caught up in the negatives, I am also going to stop explaining myself to those who are demanding an explanation they aren’t entitled to. Because I am done.

Love, hugs and more to come later

Nick turned 2!!

I just realized I never posted any pictures from Nick’s birthday party! It was so much fun! We had a lego themed party, and as usual Hubs told me I was over doing it, but had to agree it was awesome! All of the decorations cost me less then $10. The cake was $50 but oh so worth it! The rest of the food was about $20. Since we had a $100 budget, I was pretty proud of myself! I didn’t make everything I was planning on making (I ran out of time for the awesome lego cookies I was going to make, but no one missed them!) Here are some pictures!


Good times were had by all! I can’t believe my baby boy is 2!

Love, hugs and more to come later!


Preparing for big changes


Hubs and I have been talking a lot about the big changes coming our way. From another baby, to a new career, moving halfway across the country, new home, new lifestyle, new surroundings. New province. New insurance. Alex starting nursery in the fall. The adjustment of having involved family living within a few blocks of us. Leaving all our friends and family in NB. Finding new healthcare. Delivering the baby in a new hospital. Having my mom present for the birth. It’s all intertwined and connected and as a whole it’s overwhelming.

Up until yesterday we had an estimated time line of how his release was going to come down. We figured we were going to be cutting it close to the birth of the baby, but we were prepared to figure things out and deal with that. Yesterday, we found out there are ways to speed up the process.

Speeding up the process is scary and exciting all in one. On one hand I am looking forward to getting the process started and finished. To being settled in and getting organized and starting out new lives. On the other hand I look at all the work involved (this isn’t technically considered a military move so a lot of the foot work that the military would normally do we are left to do for ourselves) and I think that the extra time would be helpful.

I won’t bore you with all the rules, regulations and red tape that we need to follow. Or the long tedious process in front of us. Although I am sure those details will be revealed somewhat as time passes and I write about our experiences.

It’s a lot to take in guys. It’s a lot happening. And I still haven’t figured out when or how to even try to explain this to the kids.

Love, hugs and more to come later!

Take my Breath Away

The title of this post probably sounds like I am about to share some crazy romantic or sweet moment that happened. Or some crazy painful fall that knocked the air out of me. But, it’s neither.

It all started back when I was pregnant with Zoey. Hubs and I agreed we were done having babies after her. We were both okay with that choice and Hubs started getting his ducks in a row to have a vasectomy. But then, I wasn’t okay with it. So the night before his appointment I begged him not to go. He still didn’t want anymore babies, but I still needed some time to adjust to this.

Then I was okay with it. Then 4 days later I found out I was pregnant. Upon finding out I was pregnant Hubs told me he wanted to get the vasectomy before I had the baby. I was okay with this. I am okay with this. I was okay with this. Until about 10 minutes ago. When I got the text from him with the date. Then suddenly I couldn’t breath. It took my breath away. It’s real. I’ve known it’s real. I’ve known this was my last pregnancy. I knew after this baby we were done. I ‘knew’ we were done after Zoey. I know that my body can’t handle anymore babies. My Dr and I have talked about it.

Now… I just… I don’t know. It’s such a big deal. At the same time, I know it’s the right thing to do. I feel so torn. I know it’s the right path for us to take. And I know I am going to do much better not going on birth control after I have baby. (Birth control made my anxiety and depression worse after each of the kids and I reacted weird to birth control each time I was put on it and I needed to try various kinds each time)

My new mantra lately has been to focus on the positives…. so here goes my attempt…
1-No need to worry about having our chosen birth control in the house
2-No dealing with the stress of an unplanned pregnancy
3-I won’t need to try and find a pill that works with my postpartum self
4-Saving money

Love, hugs and more to come later!

*I want to say that I do 100% support my husband in this decision. As hard as it is right now for me to wrap my head around it, he and I made this decision together* (I’m also pregnant and hormonal 😉 )

All that’s been happening

It seems like there are a million and one things going on right now. I can’t seem to breath for it all. I try, I really do. But I can’t seem to wrap my head around all the many changes and things happening. So I am going to try writing it all out in point form and see if that helps me get a grasp on everything!

First off: Children. Children are always growing and changing. Alex: A is now fully trained. And he is going to be going to nursery school in the fall. He is a very strong willed child and he can be immensely stubborn. Everyday is a new adventure with him to keep him challenged and not bored and fighting with his brother.
Nick: N is 2! Which is crazy. He is starting to talk a little more then he was a month or so ago, and I am looking forward to having him assessed. He soaks in everything around him, and like his brother gets bored very easily, so I am always on my toes coming up with new activities.
Zoey: Z is 10 months old. She is forever pulling herself up on things and is starting to get brave enough to let go and see what happens. She gets into everything and is so curious about everything. Nothing seems to phase her and I have finally found a sippy cup she will drink out of so we are starting to phase out the bottle.
Bean: My pregnancy as a whole has been stressful. I have been crampy and sore from the beginning and my Dr is concerned I might still miscarry. He feels if I make it to 15 weeks I should be alright, but I am only 12 weeks today so that gives me a little ways to go. My weight gain is still down from where he would like it, since I had such terrible heartburn in the beginning I couldn’t eat. And my blood pressure likes to spike high here and there. (which never happened with the other kids) I feel like I am having a boy.I was right with my guesses for the other three kids, so I am going with that for now. Only time will tell what’s going to happen with this baby, but I appreciate all positive thoughts and prayers!

Second: Hubs and I. Marriage. A constant work in progress. Hubs and I went through a pretty rough patch over the last couple months. An unexpected pregnancy, financial surprises, big career decisions, life decisions. It was high stress and we took a lot of frustration out on each other that we shouldn’t have. Thankfully in the last week we have had some good conversations and we are in a much better place today then we were a week ago. We have gotten back into the habit of communicating and we are working on planning something small for our anniversary in a couple weeks.

Third: Big Career and Life choices. Where to start. Hubs was faced with the decision to continue his military career or leave it for a civilian career. Both options came with a lot to consider. Staying in the military meant a reliable income, health benefits, etc etc etc, but not having control over where we live, how often hubs is gone for training etc. Leaving the military meant the option of moving to wherever we wanted, but took away the security of the job. It took us a long long long time to reach any sort decision. With my family in Winnipeg being so supportive it is really tempting to bring the kids back there and raise them with family around. But the military pays our bills and we can rely on the paycheck coming in. It was tough. But we made a choice. And I am looking forward to seeing where that choice leads us. (Hubs has made the choice to leave the military, which is going to mean that we have a huuge move coming BEFORE the baby is born and Alex starts nursery in September!)

I guess that’s it for now. There is probably more, but its coming on nap time and I am hoping to catch a nap while the kids nap/rest!

Love, hugs and more to come later!

The Toy Store

When it comes to conversations with Alex, I should know to always be on guard. I really should. But I still manage to get trapped….

A: Mom, this is my sad face
M: Why do you have a sad face?
A: Because I don’t have a happy face.
M: Oh no! Where did your happy face go?
A: I left it.
M: Where did you leave it?
A: Can we go get it?
M: Well yes, you need a happy face. Where did you leave it?
A: At the toy store… Nick! Mom said yes we can go to the toy store!!

I should know better. I really really should.

Love, hugs and more to come later

The 2 Year Milestone

Whew. I feel like it was just yesterday I found out I was pregnant with a second child. Now that second child is two. My baby boy is officially two. I can’t believe how time flies. It doesn’t seem like it’s been two years since I held him for the first time and cried, feeling the unbelievable rush of love for my child. And yet, here we are. Nick is two. Wow.

421651_10151418592210137_859595136_23378398_137087757_n6 monthsNick turns 1!18 months

Nick is 2!

Nick, Wow. You’re two. You are such an incredible little boy. You are the happiest, sweetest, most expressive little boy I know. You are always looking to snuggle and are full of hugs and kisses. In the last month or so you have become so much more vocal then you were and it is incredible to watch. You are starting to recognize numbers and letters and are starting to sing your abc’s. Alex likes to help you, and you are always looking to him to see what he is doing so you can mimic him. I love watching you play with trains and say ‘choo choo, clickity clak, on track!’
You also love fish. Love is probably an understatement. I am impressed that you remember almost every morning after breakfast and every evening after supper that we need to feed the goldfish.
Your brown eyes sparkle with mischief and you are a very determined little boy. You know what you want and you don’t let anything get in your way. I admire that. I look forward to helping you learn to use your determination to accomplish all your goals in life.
I look forward to being two with you and helping you learn more about the world around you. I can’t wait to see what we can discover. I love you to the bottom of the deepest ocean baby boy.

Love, hugs and more to come later!

Conversations at Night

Alex and Nick have a habit of coming to my bed when they wake up through the night and in the morning. I don’t mind, in fact I love it. I don’t need to get out of bed. They just come in and snuggle with Hubs and I. We’ve had some pretty hilarious conversations with the boys in the middle of the night. Like this one on Wednesday night. The power had gone out at about 11 and by about 130 both the boys were in our bed.
A: Mom… it’s dark.
M: yea. The power went out again.
A: Oh. So they are all broken?
M: Sort of. The snow and wind probably knocked a power line down. Someone will fix it.
A: Then we’ll have lights again
M: Yea.
A: I like the snow
M: Me too buddy. A: It’s cold.
M: I know. When the power goes out the heat stops working
A: Can we turn it back on?
M: No. Not until someone comes and fixes it.
A: Can Daddy fix it?
M: No. It has to be a special person.
A: Daddy is special
M: Well, yes but…
A: Nick can fix it!
M: No… It needs to be someone from the power chttp://wordpress.com/post/ompany
A: Like Handy Manny?
M: Maybe. Let’s go to sleep now.
A: I can’t.
M: Why not?
A: It’s too dark. And scary
N: oooooo (ghost noises)
A: Nick, is that you?
N: No
A: See Mom. Scary.

Love, hugs and more to come later!

Fake it ’til you make it

The last month or so has sucked. Seriously, seriously sucked. A lot of it is personal and financial stuff that I am not going to get into here, partly because it’s personal and partly because if my husband found out I was posting our personal financial stuff on the internet I am pretty sure he would kill me. Some of it is me. And my emotions being all effed up and unexplainable. I don’t even know why I am trying to blog at this point, any of the other posts I have tried to write have ended up deleted because they made no sense after I was done typing. That’s where I am. Nothing makes sense.

So I am going to focus on finding the positives and try to leave the negatives out of this post. I am working on a new motto that if I focus on the good things in life, the bad things will become less important. I will fake being happy and on top of things until I am. I will overcome. So here we go, onto the great things!

First, Alex is totally toilet trained now. He has no accidents, although he is still wearing a diaper to bed. I am proud of him. He’s proud of him. And I have 1/3 less diapers to change!

Nick is starting to say a few more words then he was a month ago, although they aren’t very clear. We have also taught him a couple signs so there is less frustration from him when he is having trouble communicating. And  he cut one of his eye teeth. Which only leaves him with 7 more teeth that he needs to deal with!

Zoey is starting to pull herself up. Which excites the boys to no end. It’s awesome. She also cut two more teeth. So now she has four. Not that we are getting a break from teething anytime soon. Numbers 5, 6, 7, and 8 are starting to swell up and push on the gums now!

This pregnancy is starting to get a little better too, now that I am eating and gaining weight again. (I had really bad heartburn and reflux which was making eating impossible and resulting in a pretty serious weight loss, but my Dr gave me a prescription and things are on the mend now!)

Hubs and I have made some huge life choices over the last couple weeks. Some that have left me feeling relieved and some that have left me reeling, trying to find solid ground again. My anxieties have flared up huge, and I am left feeling overwhelmed and unable to explain myself more often then not. I can feel myself being easily angered and frustrated by most people and pulling away. Thankfully this doesn’t extend to the kids. They seem to get all my patience, even patience I didn’t know I had. These kids have the ability to make me smile, no matter what is happening around me. I am so thankful that I was blessed with such amazing children. And on that note, here are some things that made me smile the last few days:


I am really grateful for the person who makes these shirts and sends them to me from Texas. Seriously, look up Wonderful You on Facebook. She is AMAZING!


We put them to bed in their own beds. And yet, somehow, I find them like this about half the time! So sweet. I adore the brotherly love.





Ignoring the laundry that my kids took out of the basket and threw all over the place, Zoey has a new fascination with putting buckets, bowls, clothes… anything really, on her head. She LOVES wearing headbands!!



These two pictures of the boys are pretty self explanatory. How do you not smile?




ImageImage I look huge, I know. But my Dr assures me there is only one in there!


Love, hugs and more to come later!

Watching the fog lift…slowly

I haven’t posted much lately…not because I have nothing to say, but because I either can’t say it, or I don’t want to.
I posted a couple weeks ago about feeling like I was in a fog, I’ve felt better recently, in some ways. And worse in others.
Hubs and I have been hit with a lot of bad news recently and we are trying desperately to rely on one another and not turn on each other in our stress. From finances, to his job, to the heartburn and weight loss with this pregnancy, to difficulty with the kids…. It’s been one thing after another.
Hubs and I rarely argue and the last couple weeks have been tough, trying not to argue and bicker, especially in front of the kids.
Which brings us to today’s plans. Which I am hoping will help us reconnect as a family and help lift the fog that is hanging around. Hubs and I decided that we are going to take the kids for an hour long drive to take them out for lunch and to the New Brunswick museum for the afternoon.
I think it’s definitely needed right now. And I am hoping we all have a good time. Hubs is off for the next week on March break and I think this is going to be the perfect way to kick the week off!
Love, hugs and more (positive things) later!