I haven’t really posted too much here about my journey through depression. I wrote that I got my diagnosis. And that I started antidepressants and that I see an awesome psychologist. But not how it started. So here we go. On a journey back in time….
March 2015 – mentally I was done. Finished. There was no way I could handle another month. My marriage was, for all intents and purposes, over. I didn’t have a husband. I had a roommate. That I had to take responsibility for. He didn’t get it. He wasn’t mentally stable enough to understand. I felt like a bitch. I wasn’t even sure I was in love with him anymore.
July 2015 – nothing had gotten better. I was miserable. I didn’t even want to parent anymore. There didn’t seem to be much worth being happy about. Hubs was putting every ounce of mental strength he possessed into school. What was left went to the kids. There was nothing left for me. He wasn’t there for me. I wasn’t there for him as anything more then a secretary. I reminded him about assignments. Appointments. Tests. I managed his life. The kids lives. And wallowed in my misery. Until I snapped. I woke up and hated my life. I couldn’t stop crying. Hubs went to school. He had an assignment do. I felt worse then I ever did before. I knew my kids deserved better then me. Hubs came home early, I went to my mom and dads where no one was home. Just to be alone. The kids were scared. I was scared. Hubs made me a Dr appointment for the next day. I started antidepressants and he set things up for me to see a psychologist.
August 2015 – I had a hard time finding the right dose for my meds. I started seeing Dr H. I wasn’t noticing much of anything changing.
December 2015 – I was finally on the right dosage of my meds. Finally opening up to Dr H about things. Enjoyed a happy Christmas.
February 2016 – hubs and I could finally talk about things without one of us getting offending. I have a breakthrough in my thinking. Realize that if I want to feel like a wife I need to act like one. And be treated like one.
March 1, 2016 – I start working as a freelance writer. Hubs and I realize that there just isn’t room for two stay at home parents but his mental health isn’t stable enough for him to go to work, or be home alone with the kids.
March 10, 2016 – hubs and I talk. Like husband and wife. For the first time in a long time I feel like a wife. I feel like I have a partner.
March 18, 2016 – Dr H and I meet. We talk about the changes in the last 9 months. About how a mental breakdown has led to happiness. Everything happens for a reason.
Today. I have a husband. I love being a wife. A mom. A writer. I’ve been a better mom to my kids over the last few months then I had been for awhile. I feel like me again. I know this journey is far from over. I’m still relying on antidepressants and hubs still has a long road ahead. But today I feel like me. And that’s more amazing then I can express. My mental breakdown was one of the scariest thins to ever happen to me. But I’m so thankful it did.