A little while ago I posted a haiku alluding to some pretty heavy stuff going on around here. I think the haiku was pretty explanatory but I decided that I am going to try and get some of my emotions out there. I am feeling really alone in this right now and it’s a tough road to travel.
It’s hard to want something so badly and know I’m not going to get it. I love my kids and I am amazingly thankful that I have them. But there is this place deep inside me that knows we are meant to have one more baby. I look at my children and I look at our future and there is always one more.
I was one of the first of my friends to start having kids and I am definitely ahead of the game when it comes to number of children and how close together they are. People think I am crazy, but I know it’s right for us to have our children the way we do. But, because all of my friends are either just having or just getting pregnant with their second children and still in the planning phase of their families it’s making it that much harder for me to let go of my dream of one more baby.
I understand why Hubs doesn’t want anymore, he had many reasons that I am not going to write out here. They are his reasons and I respect that. I won’t guilt or force him into having another baby. It needs to be something he feels too. And he doesn’t.
He knows that I want another baby, he knows that I stand behind his decision to get the vasectomy even though it goes against what I want. I don’t want to put us through the stress of waiting for my monthly gift every month when it’s not something we both want. I want to take the stress out of our relationship, and give us both the comfort that there won’t be an unplanned pregnancy. So I guess in a way I want him to get the vasectomy as well.
But, I worry about this. Anytime we have disagreed on anything, we have found a way to compromise and make it all work out. This time around, there is no compromise, this time it’s about making the choice that is going to do the least damage. And that’s why I am making the hardest decision of my life and supporting my husband.
I know a lot of people don’t agree with my choice to support him and for him to get the vasectomy. People think I am going to regret it. And maybe I will. But, I think him agreeing to have another baby and then regretting that choice is worse.
Love, hugs and more to come later!