I wish I didn’t feel so selfish

This post is a hard one to write. It’s one I’ve been contemplating writing but I’m unsure if I should. It’s raw and honest. It’s me. And it’s my feelings and perspective. I don’t know if my husband reads my blog on a regular basis, so I don’t know if he’ll see this. But if he does I hope he can understand where I am coming from. As I hope all my readers can. I’m not in any way attacking Hubs. But this is a big part of me and my life…

A little while back I decided to start a series of posts to give me an outlet to talk about what its like to live with a husband who suffers from chronic pain. I only got as far as talking a bit about Hub’s history and I never really talked too much about the impact that has on me.
Hubs struggles a lot with his pains. And often he pushes himself past his physical limits and causes himself more pain. This usually leave me feeling two things. The first is annoyed that I’m 8 months pregnant and picking up the slack while experiencing pains of my own and the second is guilt. Guilt because I’m annoyed, and guilt because I know the reason he pushed himself past his limit is because he was trying to make the kids and I happy.
I struggle with the guilt. A lot. I feel guilty when I wish he was able to do more. I feel guilty when I’m not as sympathetic as maybe I should be. I feel guilty when I’m annoyed that I want to do something and I know he’s in too much pain. I feel guilty that I have thoughts along the lines of ‘I suck up my pains to do this, why can’t you’ when I know that he’s already pushed himself much further then he should.
I feel guilty that I want him to go back to work RIGHT NOW because I’m tired of dealing with his struggles with veterans affairs and long term disability. I’m tired of hearing him complain, I’m tired of feeling like I’m doing it alone even when he’s here. I’m tired of the mood swings, of his drugs leaving him not all here. Mostly I’m tired of feeling selfish and guilty.
Hubs is only really like this maybe 30% of the time. But its exhausting.
I hate seeing him in pain. I hate that nothing is really going to help him. I hate when he tells me that my rubbing his ankles helps when we both know damn well that the only thing its doing is giving me the illusion that I’m actually helping.
I love my husband. Through sickness and health, for better or worse and so on. I hate that he is hurting. I hate that I can’t help. I hate that I have the thoughts I do and I hate that there doesn’t seem to be much support for the spouses that help their loved ones cope with chronic pains. Because, quite frankly, its hard. And I could use the help.

Love, hugs and more to come later

This Phone….

Is going to drive me crazy. I can do almost anything on it. Except read blog posts! I have tried both using the internet on my phone, and downloading an app. Neither of these two options works! Every time I try to read any blogs, it freezes, shuts down or resets my phone. NOT COOL. I can post. I can see comments. But I can’t read. So. I want to say that I hope everyone is doing awesomely! I’m going to try to get my hands on Hubs computer a little more often so I can stay caught up with you all!!!

Love, hugs and more to come later!

Changing Doctors

When we made the big decision to move while I was pregnant I was fairly apprehensive about having new dr’s and delivering in a hospital I’d never delivered in before. My dr’s in NB knew me, and my history, and I knew the way things worked. It was a comfort.
This past week, I have met both my general practitioner and my OBGYN. And I am so glad I am out here for this pregnancy.
In NB I was scheduled for an induction on September 15. I would be 37 weeks. This was booked back when I was 22 weeks. I never signed the consent form, but it was all in my chart. The reasons behind it had to do with the bladder retention issues I had with the boys, I was told by my dr’s that the cause was unknown and inducing me early decreased my chances of it recurring. (I didn’t have these issues with Zoey, only with the boys. But, I was induced early with Zoey)
My dr here looked at the papers I brought with me. He explained how much more likely bladder retention issues are with a forceps or vacuum birth and extending pushing. (Which happened with the boys) he explained the risks involved with inducing me at 37 weeks. He explained that there is currently no medical reason to induce me. He is allowing me to go to term. He explained to me that my low blood pressure and low weight gain are not indicators of anything being wrong, and in fact, although they are low, they are still in normal range. Which is not what I was told in NB.
I don’t understand why my dr’s in NB were so determined to induce me when there is really no medical reason to. Unless something changes, there is nothing to worry about.
My dr here is also having me in to see a psychiatrist about my depression and anxiety, both before and after baby comes. This is something that was never offered to me before. In fact in my chart that I brought out with me was only a mention that I brought up postpartum depression and my dr, feeling there was no risk of harm to me or my child, referred me to a moms group. Even though he and I did talk about it a few times, there is only one mention of it in my charts.
I’m still a little apprehensive about delivering somewhere new, but at least I feel more educated and aware of what’s going on with my body. And I feel listened too. That’s a big one for me.

Love, hugs and more to come later!

Struggling through indecisiveness

There is a lot going on in my head right now. From being 33 weeks pregnant, to everything we need to do to complete our transition to a new province. But the biggest thing weighing on me is Alex.
Being that he was born in 2010 he is supposed to start nursery school in 3 weeks.
Nursery is a part of the public school system in the division we are in, but it isn’t mandatory. Originally I had been unsure about putting him in because of all the changes in his life right now. Big move, new house, new baby…. A lot of stressors on me, a grown woman, let alone a 3.5 year old. But we had decided that since he seemed so excited about school and he has been BEGGING to go for over a year we would let him go. Maybe the distraction of a half day nursery program would be good for him.
But then we moved. Things have changed a little since we moved that make me wonder if we’re making the right choice by enrolling him right now. Things like this conversation prompted by him pushing Zoey for the ten millionth time in a day:
M: Alex, why did you push Zoey?
A: because I’m bad.
M: you’re not bad. You’re a good boy
A: no! Alex is bad!
M: why?
A: because bad boys can’t go to school.

Or this conversation with a friend:
J: Alex are you excited to go to school in September?
A: (screaming) No! I am not going to school in September! *followed by him running into his room*

So… This leaves me torn. Is he truly just not ready? Is there too much going on right now? Should I simply home school him through nursery/preschool and put him in for kindergarten? Is it going to be detrimental to him to force him to go to school when he is clearly upset about it? Or. Am I sending him the wrong message by letting him achieve not going to school by acting out? Will going to school actually benefit him more then staying home for another year?

Hello rock. Hard place. Nice to see you again.

Love, hugs and more to come later!

A New Day

Sometimes, at the end of the day I am thankful that the kids are in bed and I can have a few mommy minutes to fold laundry, load the dishwasher, budget, sweep, mop etc. Even more I am grateful for a few minutes to watch tv, spend some time with hubby, read or crochet.
It’s not that my kids are particularly demanding (most of the time) although they do have their moments. And it’s not that I can’t get anything done while they are awake. I can, and often I do. In fact, I do all the things I listed above while they are awake. It’s just easier if they are sleeping.
Sometimes, I am thankful that it’s bedtime because the kids have been particularly exhausting. My kids are 1,2 and 3. And I’m just shy of 33 weeks pregnant. That gets exhausting some days. There are days that no one can do anything cooperatively. Everything has to be a fight and everyone needs to be playing with the same toy. Or on my ever diminishing lap, at the same time.
Every once in a while though, I am sad that bedtime has to come and the day is going to end. Every once in a while I have a day with my babies that just seems so perfect, even if they might have fought a little. There might have been one or two tantrums. The kids might not have been bathed and the house looks like it survived a tornado. But through all that, the day was just… Perfect.
On those days I don’t want to put the kids to bed. I want to savior the moments. Because tomorrow… Tomorrow is a new day. One that will probably be just as perfect as this one. But will I feel that way? Will I see the perfection? Or will I be too busy breathing a sigh of relief that it’s finally quiet?
Love, hugs, and more to come later

An update on our new lives

The last time I posted I’m pretty sure I mentioned that we managed to secure funding to pay for our trip and that we were able to find a house. I would go back and check, but I can’t because we don’t have internet until tomorrow.
After hubs went to the legion to talk to them about the fact we had no help with the move we applied for the Military Family Fund. At first I was very unsure about asking for help from a charity, but living in my parents little house with such a big family definitely wasn’t ideal and we did need the help, so we went for it. We were lucky and not only did the fund help pay for the drive out to Winnipeg, but they also covered our deposit on a house and our first months rent. With some help from my parents and a few others, we found a house that is perfect for our family.
So last Monday we embarked on our 4 day long journey to get from NB to Winnipeg MB. It was a long trip. My kids were amazing though. Two of the four days I could get them out and playing once (14 and 12 hour days) because of rain and construction. I’m glad we start early and the first 6 or so hours are quiet ones!
Now we are in our new home. With basic furniture that my family has lent us. We have our own space again and the kids are loving that they have the freedom to run and play. Not to mention that they can see Nana and Papa anytime they want too! (Did I mention that our perfect house is only a 15 minute walk at toddler pace away?!)
I finally feel like things are starting to go our way. Now just to finish off this summer pregnancy and meet our new addition! (And finish furnishing our house… And register Alex for school!! What!?!)

Love, hugs and more to come later!