The past couple weeks have been really… hard. Hard doesn’t sum it up. I don’t know what word would.
This past week marked the one year anniversary since Hubs was released from the military. From when we needed to sell almost everything we owned. Moved halfway across Canada.
Hubs has had a
bad absolutely effing horrid couple of weeks. Which has been, of course, dragging me down. We’ve learned that my ups and downs are directly correlated to his. (This revelation is actually benefiting me in big ways, but I’ll get to that in a minute) Hubs has been home more then he has been in school the last couple weeks. When he does go to class he isn’t absorbing any of the material and usually comes home part way through the day.
This leads to my day with the kids being disrupted and all of us off our routines.
This leads to me having a bad day. (yes, his are effing horrid. Mine are bad. I stand by that… okay… mine can be pretty horrid too…) When I am having a not good day, it leads to cleaning not being done. It leads to me having no motivation. It leads to me being snappy. Moody. Not fair to the kids. Argumentative with Hubs.
But, that is going to get better. Actually, it kind of already has. By connecting the dots of my moods being related to his moods, our family Dr diagnosed me with Situational Depression. In a nutshell, I am suffering from depression directly relating to his disorders (chronic pain, neuropathy, severe depression… take your pick)
But because it relates to him, Veterans Affairs is actually going to help. After all the fighting we have done with them, I am truly amazed. Veterans Affairs is going to pay for me to see a psychologist for help. This scares and excites me. I can’t afford it. And I know I need the help. But it is scary too. It’s scary to do anything new I guess.
But the purpose of my post is to outline where we have come in a year. So here it goes. In point form. Some of our biggest accomplishments in the last year:
-Hubs and I both suffer from depression. We can both openly state this now. We can both state that we need help. And proactively look for it. We can acknowledge our bad days. We can support each other through them. We enjoy our good days.
-Hubs and I have been together for 6 years. We have four beautiful children.
-We have come out of the bankruptcy we were forced into a little more then a year ago. Other then our van, we are debt free.
-We have a plan in place to buy a home in the next few years.
-We also have a plan in place to start a business a couple years after we buy our home.
-Hubs is currently in school full time. I am going to be starting some evening courses in September.
-Did I mention that we have four beautiful children? Did I mention they are also smart, happy and amazing?
-We successfully moved halfway across Canada and rebuilt a home for our children. Our children (and us) have a safe place to exist.
-We survived the last couple weeks. Our marriage has survived the biggest hurdles its faced. Our marriage has survived days darker then I ever thought it would experience.
-We did it together. Side by side. Neither of us gave up. Even if we thought about giving up. We didn’t. And that to me is the biggest accomplishment. In a world where I am watching my friends, my peers, navigate divorce, (Not that I am criticizing those people who do get divorced) I am proud of me. Of my husband. And of my marriage.
As negative as we have been over the last couple weeks remembering where we were a year ago, we’ve made some amazing strides since than and have come a long way. A long way in a direction we wouldn’t have even known existed if everything hadn’t gotten as bad as it did. We faced some struggles, but we are stronger for them.
Battling depression comes with some pretty intense stigmas. I wasn’t going to use this blog to show the face of my depression. But I have changed my mind. My depression is part of me. I am not going to use this as a place to rant my bad days, my anonymous blog is safer for me. But I want to be able to talk about depression here. I want to be able to open the door to anyone else out there who is suffering through the bad days. You aren’t alone. It’s hard to remember that. But. You. Are. Not. Alone.
I also want to thank you. Every single one of you who has taking a second to give me a word of encouragement, a thought, or a prayer. I am so grateful that I fell into blogging before I was faced with these trials. Some days, blogging my nonsense is all I need to clear my mind and make it through another day being the best me I can me.
Love, hugs and more to come later!