I can’t win

Lately I feel like Hubs and I have been struggling like crazy. I can’t seem to find a balance when it comes to helping him cope.
There are things he needs help with. I get that. The medication he is on to help him with his pains affects him mentally.
There were days he was forgetting to take his pill, or unsure of whether he took them. He decided to text my phone whenever he took his pill. Which worked… Mostly. Except when he forgot to text me. I found that he was relying heavily on me to remember if he took his pill/pay attention to his every move. So I bought him a 7 day am/pm pill dispenser. Now there is a visual he can use to track it himself. Then the problem became that he would forget his pill and remember it when it was too late to take it. So again, Lynn to the rescue. His alarm now goes off at 845 am and pm to remind him. And again at 945 am and pm, just in case.
He and I got into an argument today. Because he was supposed to go enroll at the university and he hasn’t. When I asked about it, he spouted off his reasons for not going… I hadn’t told him how to get there (he hadn’t asked, and can use Google Maps without me) He forgot and I hadn’t reminded him. He thought I was going to email/call them.
I kind of lost it at him at that point. I’m his wife. I’m willing to help him. But I’m not his mother. I explained that he needs to take ownership for himself. But I’m frustrated. I’m annoyed. I’m saddened. And most of all… I feel guilty.
I love this man. More then I can possibly describe in a mere blog post. I want to help him. Care for him. But I want to be his wife. Not his care taker. Its so… Draining. I find myself getting annoyed more and more. I find myself surrounded by happiness less and less. I tell myself it’ll get better once he’s in school and productive… But… What if its not? I know the divorce rate for chronic pain sufferers is high. And I’m scared. I want to work on this with him, but I’m tired. I’m going to Edmonton alone in a couple weeks for a weekend. I’m hoping I find perspective. Because right now I don’t feel like I have it.

Love, hugs and more to come later
Lynn

The Turning of a Page

Alex is going to be 4 next month. Nick is going to be 3 in four months. Zoey is 18 months old. Emma is 10 weeks old. My babies are growing and changing and getting older. It’s kind of got me thinking about me and what comes next now that I’m done child bearing.
I’m loving being home with my babies, I love teaching them and growing with them. I love planning fun things to do with them and I love experiencing things with them.
I love our slow carefree days. I love that I’m the center of their universe, and they’re the center of mine. I love being a stay at home mom.
But. My body is no longer the vessel sustaining them. My body is mine. This time its mine forever. Hubs got his vasectomy. We’re done having babies. My body is mine. So now I’m on a journey to be happy with my body. I kind of am, I don’t really mind the stretch marks. Or the sagging. Or the extra weight. But I don’t really want the sagging or extra weight to be around forever either. I want to be fit. And healthy. So this is me committing to be a healthier me. I’m going to start the 17 day diet next week (Ill post links to some info on it in my next post, I’m on my phone right now and can’t do it from here) I’m going to post my measurements. And I’m going to hold myself accountable. I’m looking forward to my journey. I hope my journey inspires someone else to make some healthy changes and be the best them they can be.

Love hugs and more to come later
Lynn

Accepting Blame

A local radio station posted this to Facebook yesterday with the caption that the Public Health Agency of Canada was investigating laundry pods because there were a large number of children that ate them and got sick. The radio station wanted opinions as to whether their listeners thought this was legitimately a product problem or a parenting problem.
Now I personally feel like this is a parenting problem, not a product problem. Laundry soap is a chemical. It should be kept out of reach of children. Just like the rest of the household cleaners, medications, etc. A lot of the comments on the post by the radio station were saying its the products fault for looking like candy. Or for not making the containers child proof.
Now, I do understand that accidents happen. Kids get into things. But why can’t we as parents take ownership? Why does it immediately have to become someone else’s fault?
I have made my own calls to the Poison Control Center on 2 occasions. The first I had an almost empty bottle of peroxide open on the bathroom counter while I was cleaning my ear piercing. I had the bathroom door open and had allowed Alex in the room. I thought I had put the bottle far enough back, but I turned my back to Alex to talk to Hubs for a minute and when I turned back Alex had the bottle and the front of his shirt was wet. I don’t know how much he ingested, and it was an accident, but it was MY fault the accident occurred. Not the makers of the peroxide I was using. The second time the boys both had chest colds and we were visiting my mom. I had bought some Baby Vicks Rub and I was storing it in my purse, on a shelf. Alex knew he wasn’t allowed to play in my purse. But he got it down, opened it, and handed the container to Nick in his playpen. It was all over Nick, his bed and the wall. I don’t know if he ingested any but I took ownership. I shouldn’t have assumed it was safe while it was still in reach. The over wasn’t baby proof but I didn’t think Alex could open it. Again, my fault. Not the fault of the company.
In Canada child walkers are banned. You can’t buy them, sell them, gift them or use them. Too many kids fell down the stairs while using them. I guess parents felt like they didn’t need to worry about safety if their child was in the walker?
I have storage bins that specify not to put children in them with the lid on it.
Some of these warning labels that companies use are getting absurd. It’s time to stop blaming companies. It’s time to step up and admit that we aren’t perfect flawless human beings. It’s time to admit that some of these accidents aren’t the fault of a company but are, in fact, Parenting Problems.

Love, hugs and more to come later
Lynn

Figuring It Out

Every time I think I might finally have a handle on being a mom to 4 young kids the universe throws me a curve ball as if to remind me I am absolutely clueless.
A few weeks ago I enrolled Alex into school. At first he seemed to be doing great. He loved going, he was happy and there were no issues. His teacher was sweet and seemed to have an excellent handle on things.
Then one Thursday I went to pick Alex up and she greeted me with a comment along the lines of ‘oh my goodness, is it Friday yet! These kids are making me crazy!’ Now, I want to state that I can only imagine that dealing with 20 three-five year olds is stressful and chaotic and I’m sure Friday is exciting… But it seemed like such an unprofessional statement. Maybe if I knew her better I would find it more acceptable, maybe I’m over reacting, but it bothered me.
Then there was the day I showed up a few minutes early to pick Alex up. A group of about 10 students were gathered around the computer watching Youtube. Without supervision. This bothers me because while I think Youtube is an excellent site for educational videos and kids songs etc, I also feel like it should be used under supervision. It only takes one click of the mouse before those kids are watching something totally inappropriate.
Then was the day that broke my heart. I dropped Alex off like usual, then picked him up again at 330. When we got home we were talking about his day. He told me the teacher made him sit on the blue chair during circle time because he was crying. I asked him why he was crying and he told me he cried because I left. Wait. What? Since when?
The next day when I brought him to school I asked his teacher about his comment. She told me he cries a bit almost everyday. This had never been mentioned to me before. Every afternoon I ask how his afternoon was and she tells me he was happy and cooperative all day. Now she tells me he struggles for the first hour or so, out of a 2.5 hour program.
Alex hasn’t been to school in a week. The last day I brought him he cried and begged me not to leave him. I left the school crying. I cried all afternoon, my heart breaking for my little boy who was miserable in this setting. I cried for me, for not seeing how unhappy he truly was. I gave it a ton of thought. Do I keep forcing him to go? Or do I listen to his pleas and pull him from the program?
I finally decided to pull him. He’s three. He’s not ready to be away from his brother, sisters and I. Why force him before he’s ready. I have the opportunity to have him home with me and I’m taking it. In the last week my 3 year old has been himself again. And his only comments about school were ‘Mom, when you leave me at school I freak out. Miss A tells me not to but I miss you when you leave me. I like to stay home forever’ and ‘I have to go to school. Miss A said she’s going to cry if I stay home forever’
I don’t think I am going to enroll him back into the school I had him in for Nursery (pre k) some of my reasons are listed here, but most aren’t. But, that’s not a choice I’m making today! Right now the only choice I’m making is what to feed my babies for breakfast!

Love, hugs and more to come later
Lynn

The Halloween Candy

I took the two boys out trick or treating for Halloween, but the girls stayed home with Daddy. Zoey was fevered on and off and Emma is just too little.
They made out like bandits and there was way more candy then the kids are going to eat.
Now I’m one of those ‘mean’ parents that moderates how much candy my kids get. I put the candy out of sight and out of reach. Or so I thought.
The other day Hubs and I were sitting in the living room watching TV. We had this conversation:
M: where did the kids go?
H: I think they are playing their bedroom.
M: oh. Ok. Its really quiet I think I’m going to go check on them
As I stood up the kids came running out of the kitchen yelling:
Alex: mom! We found the treats!!
Nick: mom! Treats!
Zoey: eats! Yum!
They not only FOUND the treats, they also managed to climb up and get them down.
Apparently my kids who can’t handle playing cooperatively lately work together really well when there is candy involved. Who knew.

Love, hugs and more to come later
Lynn