First off, this is NOT a pregnancy announcement. I am not, in any way, shape or form pregnant.
Okay. I think I got that out of the way.
Hubs and I have been talking a lot lately about whether he was going to get the vasectomy he is scheduled to have, or if we wanted to add one more time to our family. He is quite confident he is done. He does not want any more children. Which makes sense to me. When we got married, I said I wanted two kids, he wanted 3.
We have our three happy, healthy, babies. He is done. Which is why he scheduled the vasectomy.
Well when he scheduled the vasectomy, I was totally on board with the plan. But then when the letter came in the mail giving us a date, I
freaked out and completely lost my mind realized that I wasn’t ready to make such a big permanent decision.
My husband is an awesome person, when I told him I wasn’t sure that I was ready to have something permanent done, he said okay, unless I was 100% ready for him to have it done, he wouldn’t have it done. Now the appointment date is less than 2 weeks away. He had told me he was going to cancel it, but I guess he left it open in case we decided we did want it so he didn’t need to go through the waiting period again.
This is where it gets confusing. To me at least. So I am going to try and write my thoughts and feelings out here and see if I can make sense of them.
When I was pregnant with Zoey, people kind of lost their minds at the idea of us having a 3rd baby so close in age to the first two. People said all the time that we should, most definitely not have another one after her. We needed to stop.
I am somewhat of a spiteful person, where if you tell me that I shouldn’t do something for no logical reason, I am going to do it. Is this my reason for wanting another baby? I don’t know. I’m not the kind of person who likes it when other people are making decisions for me, or when it seems like they are. Since I am obviously more in control of how many babies I have.
I decided I wanted one more baby because 4 is an even number, because they could do things in teams, were more likely to entertain themselves and each other.
I don’t know if I could handle another baby. I’m not sure I want to. I don’t know if I want to go through pregnancy again. I think I am done. All 3 of the kids sleep for a 6 hour stretch at night right now, I am enjoying this. I’m not sure I want to go back to feeds every 2 hours.
All three kids are out of my bedroom. They only come in if they are having a bad night. I kind of like that hubs and I have the bed and the bedroom to ourselves, it’s been almost 3 years since we did. I don’t want to give that up.
I lucked out after Zoey and didn’t have any bladder issues. I don’t know if I want to risk going through that again. Her labor was so quick and easy compared to the boys. I like the idea of stopping while things are good.
I never wanted more than 2 kids. I feel complete and perfect with 3. I don’t know how I will feel with 4. I don’t know that it is worth the risk of finding out I feel less than perfect.
I am finally starting to get a handle on the PPD and Anxiety. I have way way way less bad days than I used to. I don’t think I want to risk making it worse.
Reading this it seems obvious that the choice I want to make is that we are done having babies. And I am comfortable with that choice, but still not 100% on board with the vasectomy.
I guess writing it out didn’t help much either.
Love, hugs and more to come later