The truth in my pain

There was once a time when my children didn’t overwhelm my very being. When I wasn’t short tempered and impatient. When I could clean and cook and do fun stuff with them. When everyday was an adventure with them and not just a day to get through. When I loved every moment of being a mom and never wondered why I had kids. When I just knew.

And then depression entered my life. Now some days are good days. But most days aren’t. Most days are just days to get through. Now I find myself frustrated and annoyed by tantrums that I used to work through with them. I find myself allowing more screen time. I take them to the park less.

I write this with a heavy heart and tears running down my cheeks. Alex starts school in a month. The last days of having him home with me all day everyday are upon us. And I can’t muster up the strength to enjoy them. I feel trapped in my weaknesses.

I love my kids more then words can possibly express. But lately I wonder if they know that. If I am capable of showing them that. It hurts to think I might be failing them. To know I’m not being the best I can be. And not know how to fix it.

I feel so much guilt when I raise my voice. Or snap at them. Or show my annoyances.

I dont write this for your sympathy or to search for words of encouragement. I write this because I feel alone. But I can’t be the only mom who feels this. I hope my confessions can make even one mom feel a little less alone.

Whoever you are, you are not alone.

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Sunshine on a Rainy Day

When Alex was coming up on two years old (about a year ago) everyone warned me about the terrible twos. ‘Get ready’ they would say ‘twos are the worst’ they would say. Well they weren’t. My mostly angelic one year old, turned into a pretty awesome two year old. ‘just wait,’ they said ‘threes are even worse’ Well. After all the hoopla about him turning two I tuned them all out. Alex was above that, he wasn’t going to hit those stereotypical milestones. 

WHY WAS I SO STUPID?!? 

Alex is almost three, and this week has been hell. Seriously. Sure he still has his cute sweet moments. But. Oh. My. Goodness. 

And on top of that, Nick is coming onto two the way everyone told me Alex would. My house is a circus, and not one of those little cute ones. 

The hitting, the kicking, the yelling, temper tantrums, fighting, ignoring me when I talk, talking back. The list goes on. 

Yesterday Alex lost his mind at Nick because Nick didn’t want to play Ring Around the Rosie with him. Then, they screamed at each other because they both had the train the other wanted. 

But then this morning, I came online to read a bit while the kids played and I realized that none of that mattered. I read these two posts: ‘Validation‘ written by Broken Condoms; a hilarious Mom to two little ones pretty close in age and ‘Mommy didn’t poop sweetie….‘ written by How to Ruin a Toddler’s Day; another hilarious Mom to one little one who recently went through a tough time. If you are having a rough Mommy day (or a daddy day, or anyone looking after little one day), I strongly recommend that you do read one or both of those posts. 

I needed both of these posts this morning to remind me that yes, things get tough. They are hard. Sometimes you want to give up. But, they are amazing little beings that you are shaping and helping grow. And it’s all worth it for those sweet amazing moments. Like hearing Alex tell his brother that he is his best friend. And hearing Nick reply with ‘Alex’ and giving him a hug. Those are the moments I live for. Those moments make the bad days and weeks worth it. 

Love, hugs and more to come later
Lynn

You know it’s going to be a good day when….

Once a week, a couple ladies and I get together for coffee night. Last night we decided that wine night was a better idea. It was. Of course, after almost 3 glasses of wine, I was feeling pretty good. 

When I got home last night, Hubs agreed to get up with the kids through the night since I was obviously in no shape to get up with them, assuming I even heard them. 

The kids had a pretty good night. Zoey was up once (which for how she has been teething is good) And Nick was only up twice (which based on how he has been sleeping lately, is awesome) 

I slept through them. I didn’t hear them, at all. It was the best sleep I have had in a long time. I woke up at 6 this morning with the kids feeling good. I told Hubs that he should go back to bed and I would stay up with the kids. After I got the kids all settled and playing, I decided that I was going to have a cup of coffee. 

Having a cup of coffee in the morning while all three kids are up and Hubs is sleeping is impossible. If anything I get about half the cup before I get busy with the kids and then when I get back to my coffee it’s cold. Since I know this is going to happen, I just don’t care. I pour the coffee knowing I am likely only going to get to enjoy half of it. 

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But this morning wasn’t like that. This morning I poured my coffee, sat down, turned on the computer and drank my coffee while catching up on some reading. With no interruptions. The kids all played together. I drank a whole cup of coffee. While it was hot. 

And that is how I know today is going to be a good day. 

Love, Hugs and more to come later!
Lynn

Wine Night!

Tonight is wine night. I am excited. Tomorrow is weigh in. I am not excited. But here are a couple awesome pictures the wonderful T did for my family not long ago. I love them and wanted to share how adorable my kids are. Also I haven’t had anytime to write anything and I don’t want anyone to think I am still in the wonky frame of mind I was in with my last post. I shook that pretty quick thanks to some awesome friends!

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Lots of pictures I know. My kids are my pride and joy. As cliche as that sounds. And I am sure all parents out there feel the same way I do! Nick still isn’t sleeping right. Alex is picking up on everyone being tired and stressed. And Zoey’s teething. Looking at their pictures helps me remember that time goes fast. I am trying hard to enjoy them everyday, but, my goodness, cranky kids are difficult! Happy Monday!

Love, hugs and more to come later!
Lynn

My son is a sweetie, growth spurts and Momma brags

This happened yesterday afternoon. But by the time I got around to blogging anything, my head was in a different place. 

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting on the couch crocheting while the boys played and Zoey napped. Alex randomly came up to me and gave me a hug and said ‘Momma, you my best friend.’ It was the sweetest, heartwarming moment.

He then went to his brother, hugged him and said the same thing, and then to all his toys to do and say the same. I console myself with the fact that I was his best friend first. Even if ultimately he came back to me and told me I was ‘mean mean mean’ for not letting him have cheezies and chocolate pudding for supper. When I asked if we could still be friends I was told ‘No momma. Meanies not my friend’ Hmph. I’ll remember that next time you want something. 

Did anyone else notice Christmas is less than 4 months away? I did. But only because Alex is going to be three on the 29th of December. Where does the time go? My babies are all growing up so fast. I needed to go buy Alex a whole new wardrobe yesterday. He fit in 2T clothes last week. This week the pants were over his ankles and I needed to go get him everything in 3T. Nick did the same thing from 18 month stuff to 2T and Zoey jumped to 6 month clothing. These kids are crazy in their growing. I wish there was a pause button!

On another note, Nick is talking a lot more lately! He has been saying Momma, Daddy and Alex for quite awhile but the other day he finally said Zoey! And he asked to be excused from the table. He is nowhere as talkative as Alex was at his age, but he’s getting there! He seems to be jumping from garbled words to 2-3 word sentences (where are you?, where go? etc) 

And, saving the best for last (and as a mom who cherishes her sleep, this is the best!) Zoey sleeps through the night! I didn’t even know it was possible for kids to do that before a year old! Alex was almost 2.5 before he started and Nick was 14 or so months! And they still wake up at night once in awhile. Zoey has been sleeping through the night for the last 2 weeks. I was scared to say anything in case I jinxed it. I figure this should last until she starts teething ha ha! 

Love, hugs and more to come later! 

Lynn

Being Mom

I feel as though I am always striving to be something I am not. And I wish I would stop. Last night I put the kids to bed. Alex and Nick brushed their teeth, climbed into bed, watched their movie and fell asleep. Zoey, on the other hand, didn’t. She had her bottle, and then screamed. And screamed. And screamed some more. I burped her, I rocked her, I sang to her, I talked to her, I bargained with her. And she screamed. Finally I put her down in her crib. Hubs went in to her. I went into my room and I cried. 

I felt like a failure as a mom. Even as I write this I want to cry. I felt like nothing I did was ever going to be enough. While I cried I thought about what I wanted and didn’t want to be. Then when Hubs and I talked later I told him what I had been thinking. 

I told him: 

I want to be a good mom. 

I want to be the mom who never gets stressed out dealing with my kids. 

I don’t want to be the mom who gets so stressed I cry for half an hour. 

I want to be the mom who is perfectly organized. 

I want to be the mom with the clean house. Not the mom who didn’t sweep and mop last night because I was too tired. Not the mom with dishes piled in the sink because I didn’t feel like loading the dishwasher. 

I want to be the mom who wakes up every day with a smile that never fades through the day. I don’t want to be the mom who snaps at my kids. I don’t want to be the mom who loses my patience. 

I want to be the mom who has it all under control. Not the mom who can’t seem to get a grip on her emotions. 

His reply: ‘There is no mom out there like that. All moms get stressed, and tired. And any mom who tells you she doesn’t is lying to you. Raising kids is exhausting. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You put Zoey down in her crib and walked away. You did the right thing. You made sure she was safe and took a few minutes to yourself. You’re a great mom, and the perfect mom to our kids.’ 

That got me to thinking. I have stated before that I know I am a good mom. But I’m not sure I believe it. I say it because everyone says it to me. Anytime I bring up any self doubt, I get told I am a good mom. It almost feels like my doubts are being invalidated and the reassurance of ‘of course you are a good mom’ leaves me feeling empty. I mentioned this to a friend, and her reply was ‘well of course you’re a good mom, you’re super mom. How else could you handle three kids the way you do’ But that’s the point. I don’t feel like I have a handle on it.

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I don’t feel like super mom. And what even makes a mom a super mom? The choice to have 3 kids? The ability to keep them alive? It’s not like I am one of these pinterest mom’s who makes all my kids meals into pretty little shapes and faces. I don’t have the time or energy for that. Personally I kind of find the term ‘super mom’ derogatory. I hear it and I feel like I am being accused of being perfect. 

Let me make something clear. I am not perfect. I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to raising my kids. I am making it up as I go along, and hoping I don’t screw them up too badly. (A little screwed up is okay, we can just call them quirky!) In fact, as proof as how imperfect I am…. I forgot to do my cloth diaper laundry last night. My kids are in disposables this morning. It’s a good thing I still have some in the house ha ha. Or else today’s post wouldn’t be happening because I would be spending my morning cleaning pee instead of drinking coffee.

But, unless you guys got a manual with your kids and mine just forgot theirs, we are all learning as we go. And none of us have the answers. Just a bunch of theories and ideas. So, as long as we are trying our best, and our kids are happy and healthy we are all good moms and good dads. And my goal is to stop trying to be something I’m not. 

Officially a Momma of 3!!

I cannot believe that I have let over a month pass without writing! Well, actually I can. Because this last month has been nuts! First off, the end of pregnancy SUCKS! The aches and pains made me miserable. Also I was trying to spend tons of extra time with the boys before their little sister arrived. Which she finally has! I am officially a Momma of 3! What a crazy, chaotic, overwhelming and absolutely amazing feeling it is to say that I am a Momma to 3 gorgeous babies.
Alex and Nick are absolutely in love with their little sister and Zoey loves the constant attention she gets. Or at least I assume she does.

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This past week has been pretty crazy adjusting to having a newborn in the house. I can’t believe Alex and Nick were ever this small. (I definitely believe they were this demanding… since they still are :P) Amazingly, so far, my sleep hasn’t been to disturbed with the presence of a newborn. Or I just don’t notice it since the boys have only started sleeping through the night in the last couple months. I’ve already gone 2.5 years without a full nights sleep. Coffee and me are really really good friends.
Hubs and I decided that he is going to take some parental and spend some time with the kids and I. I think it’s awesome that he is able to help me out the way he does. Today was the first time he left me alone with all 3 kids for any length of time. He had a few appointments on base and was gone for a total of 3 hours. Which wasn’t too bad. The kids and I survived it. Things were going great for the first 30 minutes or so. Then Zoey decided she needed a diaper and a bottle. Which was fine, I can do those things easy peasy. Then Alex decided to smash his face into the toy box and come running to me with blood pouring out of his mouth. /sigh/ Obviously I had to put Zoey down to wait for her feeding until after I dealt with Alex. Which resulted in her joining Alex’s screaming. Where was Nick in all this you ask? He was playing quietly with his trains. Until his brother and sister were both screaming. Then he decided to follow me into the kitchen where I had taken Alex and stand at my feet screaming along with them. (Alex was fine, he got a Popsicle for letting me look in his mouth! Zoey got her bottle after a 2 minute delay and Nick got a yogurt tube since he was sad that Alex got a treat and he didn’t) My point is, Murphy’s Law at it finest. These things never happen when Hubs is here to help me!
But speaking of feedings, Zoey calls!
Love, hugs and more to come later! (I promise!)

Lynn