I feel as though I am always striving to be something I am not. And I wish I would stop. Last night I put the kids to bed. Alex and Nick brushed their teeth, climbed into bed, watched their movie and fell asleep. Zoey, on the other hand, didn’t. She had her bottle, and then screamed. And screamed. And screamed some more. I burped her, I rocked her, I sang to her, I talked to her, I bargained with her. And she screamed. Finally I put her down in her crib. Hubs went in to her. I went into my room and I cried.
I felt like a failure as a mom. Even as I write this I want to cry. I felt like nothing I did was ever going to be enough. While I cried I thought about what I wanted and didn’t want to be. Then when Hubs and I talked later I told him what I had been thinking.
I told him:
I want to be a good mom.
I want to be the mom who never gets stressed out dealing with my kids.
I don’t want to be the mom who gets so stressed I cry for half an hour.
I want to be the mom who is perfectly organized.
I want to be the mom with the clean house. Not the mom who didn’t sweep and mop last night because I was too tired. Not the mom with dishes piled in the sink because I didn’t feel like loading the dishwasher.
I want to be the mom who wakes up every day with a smile that never fades through the day. I don’t want to be the mom who snaps at my kids. I don’t want to be the mom who loses my patience.
I want to be the mom who has it all under control. Not the mom who can’t seem to get a grip on her emotions.
His reply: ‘There is no mom out there like that. All moms get stressed, and tired. And any mom who tells you she doesn’t is lying to you. Raising kids is exhausting. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You put Zoey down in her crib and walked away. You did the right thing. You made sure she was safe and took a few minutes to yourself. You’re a great mom, and the perfect mom to our kids.’
That got me to thinking. I have stated before that I know I am a good mom. But I’m not sure I believe it. I say it because everyone says it to me. Anytime I bring up any self doubt, I get told I am a good mom. It almost feels like my doubts are being invalidated and the reassurance of ‘of course you are a good mom’ leaves me feeling empty. I mentioned this to a friend, and her reply was ‘well of course you’re a good mom, you’re super mom. How else could you handle three kids the way you do’ But that’s the point. I don’t feel like I have a handle on it.
I don’t feel like super mom. And what even makes a mom a super mom? The choice to have 3 kids? The ability to keep them alive? It’s not like I am one of these pinterest mom’s who makes all my kids meals into pretty little shapes and faces. I don’t have the time or energy for that. Personally I kind of find the term ‘super mom’ derogatory. I hear it and I feel like I am being accused of being perfect.
Let me make something clear. I am not perfect. I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to raising my kids. I am making it up as I go along, and hoping I don’t screw them up too badly. (A little screwed up is okay, we can just call them quirky!) In fact, as proof as how imperfect I am…. I forgot to do my cloth diaper laundry last night. My kids are in disposables this morning. It’s a good thing I still have some in the house ha ha. Or else today’s post wouldn’t be happening because I would be spending my morning cleaning pee instead of drinking coffee.
But, unless you guys got a manual with your kids and mine just forgot theirs, we are all learning as we go. And none of us have the answers. Just a bunch of theories and ideas. So, as long as we are trying our best, and our kids are happy and healthy we are all good moms and good dads. And my goal is to stop trying to be something I’m not.