Gaining Perspective

A couple weeks ago I posted about the struggles I was having with Hubs. Last weekend I went to Edmonton to hang out with my best friend, M, and celebrate his birthday. M’s wife just left him. After 6 months of marriage and a 4 year relationship. For no apparent reason. The specifics aren’t important, but basically she caught him off guard. She was unhappy, and didn’t tell or show him that.
It got me thinking.
There are a lot of things in Hubs and my relationship making me unhappy. I’ve been choosing not to discuss them with Hubs because they are related to his chronic pain condition and he has little to no control over them. I figured since he can’t change them, why talk about them. He can’t help that sometimes he’s in too much pain to do much with the kids and I. He tries. I know he does. I see it. I see him overdo it and that frustrates me too. M’s wife chose not to express she was unhappy. I don’t know what was making her unhappy. Whether he could change it or not. But he didn’t know. And that’s not fair.
Now, just to clear it up, I am not considering leaving Hubs. But, when I am in a bad mood, he deserves to know why. He deserves to know what makes me unhappy. Even if he can’t change it. At least then he can help me work through it.
So I talked to him. I told him the things about his condition that make me unhappy. I expressed myself.
And at the end of it, he thanked me. He could tell something was wrong, but didn’t know what. At least this way, he knows. And maybe he can change it a little bit. We’ll see. But I know that I am happier then I was a couple weeks ago. And now, Hubs knows that I need a husband, not another child. And we are working on ways to help him stop making excuses not to do things for himself. So I can stop feeling guilty when things get forgotten or put off.

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I can’t win

Lately I feel like Hubs and I have been struggling like crazy. I can’t seem to find a balance when it comes to helping him cope.
There are things he needs help with. I get that. The medication he is on to help him with his pains affects him mentally.
There were days he was forgetting to take his pill, or unsure of whether he took them. He decided to text my phone whenever he took his pill. Which worked… Mostly. Except when he forgot to text me. I found that he was relying heavily on me to remember if he took his pill/pay attention to his every move. So I bought him a 7 day am/pm pill dispenser. Now there is a visual he can use to track it himself. Then the problem became that he would forget his pill and remember it when it was too late to take it. So again, Lynn to the rescue. His alarm now goes off at 845 am and pm to remind him. And again at 945 am and pm, just in case.
He and I got into an argument today. Because he was supposed to go enroll at the university and he hasn’t. When I asked about it, he spouted off his reasons for not going… I hadn’t told him how to get there (he hadn’t asked, and can use Google Maps without me) He forgot and I hadn’t reminded him. He thought I was going to email/call them.
I kind of lost it at him at that point. I’m his wife. I’m willing to help him. But I’m not his mother. I explained that he needs to take ownership for himself. But I’m frustrated. I’m annoyed. I’m saddened. And most of all… I feel guilty.
I love this man. More then I can possibly describe in a mere blog post. I want to help him. Care for him. But I want to be his wife. Not his care taker. Its so… Draining. I find myself getting annoyed more and more. I find myself surrounded by happiness less and less. I tell myself it’ll get better once he’s in school and productive… But… What if its not? I know the divorce rate for chronic pain sufferers is high. And I’m scared. I want to work on this with him, but I’m tired. I’m going to Edmonton alone in a couple weeks for a weekend. I’m hoping I find perspective. Because right now I don’t feel like I have it.

Love, hugs and more to come later
Lynn