Looking Back… and Looking Forward

2014 didn’t go the way we planned. But then… does anything ever go the way we plan? A year ago I wrote this post. I had a few goals that I hoped to meet. I met some of them the way I intended, I met others in ways I never imagined and there are some that I missed the mark on completely. A lot of my goals moving forward are similar or build upon the previous goals.

January seen us with a surprise pregnancy. February seen us forced into bankruptcy (I never posted about this, but the gist of it was that in November I forgot to pay a bill and instead of contacting us they took it straight to court and were approved to garnish Hubs wages and the only way to prevent it from happening was to declare bankruptcy to protect our income. Especially since Hubs was looking at a medical release from the military and apparently if you are going to lose your job they are allowed to garnish 100% of your wages. All over 1 missed $100 payment. Life is grand!) March and April had us getting ready to relocate to Winnipeg. May and June had us scrambling after the military informed us they weren’t going to be paying for our move. July was our big move (with just what fit into our van) and August seen us settling into our new home. September was welcomed with a new baby (4 weeks early) and a short stay in the NICU. October, November and December were, thankfully, a little quieter and we were finally able to feel like we could breath and enjoy some family time.

If you remember, last year I was disgusted with the amount of money we were spending on fast food/eating out and our goal was to cut it out. Well… with the big move and such that happened this year, we didn’t cut it out. But we did cut down the amount we spent on eating out. Instead of spending around 60% of our food bill on eating out we cut it down to just under 40%. The number is still higher then I like and I am aiming to do better. We tried freezer cooking last year and it was working out well for us and really helped with cutting down our eating out so I am going to get back into that this month and hopefully see even better results next year! I am really excited to get started on freezer cooking and I am really excited to share some of what I learn and discover with you!

I am also hoping to establish some better organization techniques into the house. The problem I run into is things not having a home and ending up piled places (papers especially!) so I am going to try and give everything a home. If I can’t provide something with a home then it is obviously not important enough to live here with us! I have some great ideas and I am really excited to try them out. This is one that I recently set up in the bathroom so we had a better way to keep the kids toys clean and dry:

Fabulous Bathtub Storage

2015 is already gearing up to be an exciting year! Our great friend T is coming to visit us in February. Nick turns 3 in March. Hubs and I celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary in April! Zoey turns 2 in May. Hubs goes back to school in May. I am hoping to go out east to visit some friends in August (with Emma, so some of Hubs family can meet her as well) Emma turns 1 in September. Alex starts Kindergarten in September, and turns 5 in December. It is going to be great! I am looking forward to experiencing another amazing year with my amazing family.

Love, Hugs and more to come later!!
Lynn

Being Mom

I feel as though I am always striving to be something I am not. And I wish I would stop. Last night I put the kids to bed. Alex and Nick brushed their teeth, climbed into bed, watched their movie and fell asleep. Zoey, on the other hand, didn’t. She had her bottle, and then screamed. And screamed. And screamed some more. I burped her, I rocked her, I sang to her, I talked to her, I bargained with her. And she screamed. Finally I put her down in her crib. Hubs went in to her. I went into my room and I cried. 

I felt like a failure as a mom. Even as I write this I want to cry. I felt like nothing I did was ever going to be enough. While I cried I thought about what I wanted and didn’t want to be. Then when Hubs and I talked later I told him what I had been thinking. 

I told him: 

I want to be a good mom. 

I want to be the mom who never gets stressed out dealing with my kids. 

I don’t want to be the mom who gets so stressed I cry for half an hour. 

I want to be the mom who is perfectly organized. 

I want to be the mom with the clean house. Not the mom who didn’t sweep and mop last night because I was too tired. Not the mom with dishes piled in the sink because I didn’t feel like loading the dishwasher. 

I want to be the mom who wakes up every day with a smile that never fades through the day. I don’t want to be the mom who snaps at my kids. I don’t want to be the mom who loses my patience. 

I want to be the mom who has it all under control. Not the mom who can’t seem to get a grip on her emotions. 

His reply: ‘There is no mom out there like that. All moms get stressed, and tired. And any mom who tells you she doesn’t is lying to you. Raising kids is exhausting. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You put Zoey down in her crib and walked away. You did the right thing. You made sure she was safe and took a few minutes to yourself. You’re a great mom, and the perfect mom to our kids.’ 

That got me to thinking. I have stated before that I know I am a good mom. But I’m not sure I believe it. I say it because everyone says it to me. Anytime I bring up any self doubt, I get told I am a good mom. It almost feels like my doubts are being invalidated and the reassurance of ‘of course you are a good mom’ leaves me feeling empty. I mentioned this to a friend, and her reply was ‘well of course you’re a good mom, you’re super mom. How else could you handle three kids the way you do’ But that’s the point. I don’t feel like I have a handle on it.

Image

 

I don’t feel like super mom. And what even makes a mom a super mom? The choice to have 3 kids? The ability to keep them alive? It’s not like I am one of these pinterest mom’s who makes all my kids meals into pretty little shapes and faces. I don’t have the time or energy for that. Personally I kind of find the term ‘super mom’ derogatory. I hear it and I feel like I am being accused of being perfect. 

Let me make something clear. I am not perfect. I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to raising my kids. I am making it up as I go along, and hoping I don’t screw them up too badly. (A little screwed up is okay, we can just call them quirky!) In fact, as proof as how imperfect I am…. I forgot to do my cloth diaper laundry last night. My kids are in disposables this morning. It’s a good thing I still have some in the house ha ha. Or else today’s post wouldn’t be happening because I would be spending my morning cleaning pee instead of drinking coffee.

But, unless you guys got a manual with your kids and mine just forgot theirs, we are all learning as we go. And none of us have the answers. Just a bunch of theories and ideas. So, as long as we are trying our best, and our kids are happy and healthy we are all good moms and good dads. And my goal is to stop trying to be something I’m not.