Gaining Perspective

A couple weeks ago I posted about the struggles I was having with Hubs. Last weekend I went to Edmonton to hang out with my best friend, M, and celebrate his birthday. M’s wife just left him. After 6 months of marriage and a 4 year relationship. For no apparent reason. The specifics aren’t important, but basically she caught him off guard. She was unhappy, and didn’t tell or show him that.
It got me thinking.
There are a lot of things in Hubs and my relationship making me unhappy. I’ve been choosing not to discuss them with Hubs because they are related to his chronic pain condition and he has little to no control over them. I figured since he can’t change them, why talk about them. He can’t help that sometimes he’s in too much pain to do much with the kids and I. He tries. I know he does. I see it. I see him overdo it and that frustrates me too. M’s wife chose not to express she was unhappy. I don’t know what was making her unhappy. Whether he could change it or not. But he didn’t know. And that’s not fair.
Now, just to clear it up, I am not considering leaving Hubs. But, when I am in a bad mood, he deserves to know why. He deserves to know what makes me unhappy. Even if he can’t change it. At least then he can help me work through it.
So I talked to him. I told him the things about his condition that make me unhappy. I expressed myself.
And at the end of it, he thanked me. He could tell something was wrong, but didn’t know what. At least this way, he knows. And maybe he can change it a little bit. We’ll see. But I know that I am happier then I was a couple weeks ago. And now, Hubs knows that I need a husband, not another child. And we are working on ways to help him stop making excuses not to do things for himself. So I can stop feeling guilty when things get forgotten or put off.

Figuring It Out

Every time I think I might finally have a handle on being a mom to 4 young kids the universe throws me a curve ball as if to remind me I am absolutely clueless.
A few weeks ago I enrolled Alex into school. At first he seemed to be doing great. He loved going, he was happy and there were no issues. His teacher was sweet and seemed to have an excellent handle on things.
Then one Thursday I went to pick Alex up and she greeted me with a comment along the lines of ‘oh my goodness, is it Friday yet! These kids are making me crazy!’ Now, I want to state that I can only imagine that dealing with 20 three-five year olds is stressful and chaotic and I’m sure Friday is exciting… But it seemed like such an unprofessional statement. Maybe if I knew her better I would find it more acceptable, maybe I’m over reacting, but it bothered me.
Then there was the day I showed up a few minutes early to pick Alex up. A group of about 10 students were gathered around the computer watching Youtube. Without supervision. This bothers me because while I think Youtube is an excellent site for educational videos and kids songs etc, I also feel like it should be used under supervision. It only takes one click of the mouse before those kids are watching something totally inappropriate.
Then was the day that broke my heart. I dropped Alex off like usual, then picked him up again at 330. When we got home we were talking about his day. He told me the teacher made him sit on the blue chair during circle time because he was crying. I asked him why he was crying and he told me he cried because I left. Wait. What? Since when?
The next day when I brought him to school I asked his teacher about his comment. She told me he cries a bit almost everyday. This had never been mentioned to me before. Every afternoon I ask how his afternoon was and she tells me he was happy and cooperative all day. Now she tells me he struggles for the first hour or so, out of a 2.5 hour program.
Alex hasn’t been to school in a week. The last day I brought him he cried and begged me not to leave him. I left the school crying. I cried all afternoon, my heart breaking for my little boy who was miserable in this setting. I cried for me, for not seeing how unhappy he truly was. I gave it a ton of thought. Do I keep forcing him to go? Or do I listen to his pleas and pull him from the program?
I finally decided to pull him. He’s three. He’s not ready to be away from his brother, sisters and I. Why force him before he’s ready. I have the opportunity to have him home with me and I’m taking it. In the last week my 3 year old has been himself again. And his only comments about school were ‘Mom, when you leave me at school I freak out. Miss A tells me not to but I miss you when you leave me. I like to stay home forever’ and ‘I have to go to school. Miss A said she’s going to cry if I stay home forever’
I don’t think I am going to enroll him back into the school I had him in for Nursery (pre k) some of my reasons are listed here, but most aren’t. But, that’s not a choice I’m making today! Right now the only choice I’m making is what to feed my babies for breakfast!

Love, hugs and more to come later
Lynn