According to plan

Things never ever ever go the way they should. I should know this.  But I still manage to be caught off guard.

Two weeks ago Hubs had a Dr’s appointment. They confirmed his condition  is getting worse. The Dr speculated he would never work again. 

This past week Hubs was pulled out of school and now things are being set in motion to label him as permanently disabled. 

Hubs is having a hard time wrapping his head around this. As am I to be honest.  He’s only 29. It seems so unfair.

We’re looking into homeopathic treatment now to help with the pain and progression. Veterans affairs won’t cover it. But we’ll find a way to make it work.

My question to you: do any of my amazing readers have any favorite websites or books I can use to find information  on homeopathic treatments for chronic pain and nerve damage?

I hate to see him suffer. I hold out hope that there is something out there to help him. I found a lovely massage therapist who specializes is nerves willing to take him on. 

I feel so confused anynynd disjointed. I wish I could help him more but I don’t know how.

Emma turned 1!

I cannot believe that my baby is a full year old. I am mind boggled. My baby.  My last baby.  Who scared the hell out of me by coming a full month early and spending some time in the NICU. My stubborn baby had a hard time gaining weight and didn’t like to eat even after leaving the NICU. My pudgy baby who is now an average sized one year old. Who is walking. And talking.  And waving. And clapping. And sleeping. And gaining weight.  And growing. Ah! Where has the time gone?!?

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Oh my beautiful Emma-Rose. You are such an incredible little girl. You are the perfect ending to our not-so-little family. You are stubborn hard headed and more then capable of holding your own with your brothers and sister. You came into our lives in the midst of turmoil and chaos and have brought so much happiness to us all. You are always smiling and happy. I look forward to your hugs and kisses and hearing your sweet voice call momma when you wake up. You’re going to do amazing things in this world my sweet girl. I can’t wait to watch you accomplish your dreams. Daddy and I love you so much.

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A New Chapter

Next week Alex starts kindergarten. I have a really hard time wrapping  my heart around it. In my eyes he’s still my little blue eyed, blond haired, roly poly baby.

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It takes a lot of faith in myself to let him go to school. To walk away from him everyday. To know he’s ready. 
Have I taught him enough?  Coddled him too much? Socialized him enough? Am I strong enough to put on a brave face and not show him how scared I am to let him go.

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I know he’ll be fine. Deep inside I do. Deep down I know that there are thousands of mom’s feeling just as I am. Deep down I know that he’s ready. Hubs and I have done all we can. Now we need to let him spread his wings a little bit.

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This boy was my first. My first child. He puked on me first. Walked first. Called me momma. Hugged me. Him and I will always have a bond that’s a little different then the other kids. Him and I did a lot of trial and error together that the other kids got to avoid.

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The last almost 5 years have gone so fast. It’s hard to believe it’s already time to take this step. He’s excited. He’s ready. He’s ready because I’ve invested my time and energy into him. He’s ready because I’ve helped him be ready.

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We’ve had so many adventures together. But this one is his. I always enjoyed school. And I hope he does too. I hope he makes friends and I hope he accepts people who are different. I hope he isn’t bullied but more than that I hope he isn’t classified a bully. I hope he’s challenged but I he doesn’t struggle.

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I hope he doesn’t lose himself trying to fit in. I hope he has the strength and courage to stand up for what’s right. I hope he knows we’ll love and accept  him whoever he becomes. That his dad and I made bad choices too. That we’ll forgive his.

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I can’t wait to see who he becomes. How he’s going to grow. I can’t wait to see his pride in himself when he figures out a hard math problem.  Or masters reading.

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I wish we weren’t at this milestone yet.  But here we are. I need to let go a little bit. To demonstrate to him how to be brave. To not let him see my cry. To show him I’m proud of him. To keep the pain of him growing up to myself.

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Let your light shine my sweet little boy. To me you’ll always be my blue eyed, blond haired, roly poly baby.

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Losing my mind….

I am pretty sure I am slowly going insane. This isn’t some ha ha joking post about being crazy for having four kids either. I legitimately think I am going crazy.

I can’t control my thoughts. I realize that sounds insane. I’m not suicidal. Or thinking about hurting anyone. Other then maybe that stupid person in the gas station who called me fat. But that’s not my point.

Guys my brain is telling me things. Crazy things. Like how amazing it would be to have another baby. The joy in finding out I am pregnant. The ultrasound. The heartbeat. Ah. I want it all. The kicks. The labor. The baby. The diapers.  The teething. The crying. The smiles. The hugs. The love.

We can’t have any more babies. 1- Christian got a vasectomy over a year ago and is 100% against a reversal (I know,  because I asked) and 2- I’m not in a stable mental place and I already have my hands, heart and home full with my four amazing babies.

But that feeling. It’s there.  6 months ago I swore I was over it. But today I want it so bad.
I’m losing it. Seriously losing it.

I hope these feelings pass soon. I can’t take this wanting something I can’t have .

Moments

I haven’t blogged in a while. I just haven’t had the mental space to do it. I’m struggling to stay afloat and it sucks. Depression is a nasty bitch.
We moved last week from a 2 bedroom into a 3 bedroom. The extra space is amazing.  Or at least it will be when we are done unpacking and organizing stuff.

Emma turns one in 12 days. Alex starts kindergarten in 13 days. This has got me thinking about the little moments.  I’ve been trying to be more mindful of the small things.
Like when Alex comes into the room to tell me that he loves me before he turns around and runs back to play.
Or when Emma tries to walk and falls on her bum giggling.
Or when Nick gets excited because he wrote his name.  Again. On the wall. In permanent marker.
Or when Zoey tells me she needs to snuggle for a minute because she is tired.
Or when I wake up in the morning to all four of them crawling all over me in my bed wanting to snuggle.

I love my babies. I do it for them. And I will get myself back from this depression.  I know I can do it. I just don’t know how. 

Right now I am working on being more mindful. Of the little moments. Of what influences my mood. Of how quickly the kids are growing and changing. Of how delicious my coffee is.
Coffee. The key to my calm. Especially right now. Emma is napping. The three older kids are quietly watching a movie. And I am drinking a coffee. I love these moments. 

Love hugs and more to come later!
Lynn

The truth in my pain

There was once a time when my children didn’t overwhelm my very being. When I wasn’t short tempered and impatient. When I could clean and cook and do fun stuff with them. When everyday was an adventure with them and not just a day to get through. When I loved every moment of being a mom and never wondered why I had kids. When I just knew.

And then depression entered my life. Now some days are good days. But most days aren’t. Most days are just days to get through. Now I find myself frustrated and annoyed by tantrums that I used to work through with them. I find myself allowing more screen time. I take them to the park less.

I write this with a heavy heart and tears running down my cheeks. Alex starts school in a month. The last days of having him home with me all day everyday are upon us. And I can’t muster up the strength to enjoy them. I feel trapped in my weaknesses.

I love my kids more then words can possibly express. But lately I wonder if they know that. If I am capable of showing them that. It hurts to think I might be failing them. To know I’m not being the best I can be. And not know how to fix it.

I feel so much guilt when I raise my voice. Or snap at them. Or show my annoyances.

I dont write this for your sympathy or to search for words of encouragement. I write this because I feel alone. But I can’t be the only mom who feels this. I hope my confessions can make even one mom feel a little less alone.

Whoever you are, you are not alone.

Weddings

My cousin is getting married next month and I am one of her bridesmaids. I got my dress in today. I love it. So much. I just had to show it off!

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I feel so pretty!

Love, hugs and more to come later (when I find time, four kids is so busy!)

Lynn

Life is busy!

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Life is so busy! With these four cuties demanding so much of me. This is how I usually get my leg workout. I literally do this daily with the kids.  I’m getting pretty good at it too!

I have been trying hard to keep exercising. I do short work outs throughout the day and I try to make sure to always be focused on different muscle groups. Even my tummy is shrinking!

I do make sure to drink a ton of water. And the kids have been doing so much better with their water intake too! We’ve been eating healthier. And sleeping better. And having more fun together as a family.

This weekend worked out to be a five day weekend for hubs to be home with us. It’s exciting! I’m looking forward to catching up on housework, and being able to do some great family activities.  The summer is half over already! I hope everyone is having a great summer!!

Love, hugs, and more to come later!

Lynn

Conversations with my kids: the garden edition

A: mom I’m going to go to school soon
M: yes you are. Are you excited?
A: yes!
N: starts crying; noooo
M: what’s wrong Nick Nick?
N: me miss Alex. No go school.
A: it’s okay Nick Nick. I’m only going to garden. I’ll always come back home. You don’t have to miss me.
N: oh. You come back and play we?
A: yes. I love you Nick. I won’t leave you forever.
N: love you Alex.

these boys melt my heart

Love hugs and more to come later

Lynn