Tough choices

Hubs and I made a really tough choice recently. It started back in August. I was chatting on Facebook with Hubs mom who we will call E. E was talking about how much she missed the kids and how she wished she could come see them. We had some extra money so I offered to fly her out here for Thanksgiving. (I’m Canadian so this was in October)

Now. E and I have never ever had a good relationship. Right from the start she was opposed to my relationship with hubs. I don’t really know why. She didn’t come to our wedding. She was angry when we found out our first child was a boy. When Alex was born though, he looked just like hubs and she seemed to get over her hatred of me. Until I had Nick. Nick has never been good enough for her. She has always favored Alex. Even when we had the girls. It was always all about Alex.

Right after I invited her I knew I’d screwed up. But I couldn’t change it. It was done. Hubs and I talked and agreed we could make the best of the weekend for the kids.

It. Was. The. Biggest. Mistake. Of. My. Life. I have never had someone come into my home and be so incredibly disrespectful to me. She openly criticized my parenting in front of my children. She told my four year old that I had to many rules and that I made him do more then daddy does. She criticized my husband and his disabilities. She was rude. She ignored Nick Zoey and Emma. She only really interacted with Alex. Going as far as telling the younger kids she had to use the washroom and then looking for Alex to play with. I have never felt to angry.

After her visit, I talked to hubs and decided to send her a message telling her that I didn’t appreciate her being so disrespectful and expressing a want to work things out. She didn’t even reply.

Over the next couple days, the kids were acting out like crazy. I couldn’t figure it out. Alex and Nick could NOT get along. Which is so weird for them. I sat Nick down and he wouldn’t talk (surprise) so I went to Alex. Alex told me I was a mean mom. That daddy didn’t clean so why should he. That Nick got more hugs then him. That he wanted grandma back cause she only snuggled him. She wasn’t busy like I can be. Over the last couple weeks getting Alex to do chores (which he’s always been willing to do) has been a battle. He tells me I have too many rules. That he loves grandma better then me. That he doesn’t care what I want him to do. This is not my four year old. This is my four year old repeating things he shouldn’t have heard.

So hubs and I sat down and had a heart to heart about it. I told him that I didn’t want such a disrespectful, negative influence in our children’s lives. He agreed. I also told him that I didn’t feel it was fair to cut her out without talking to her. He again agreed. So I messaged her again.

I explained that I wanted her and I to be able to co exist. That I want her in my kids lives. But also that if she wasn’t willing to work things out with me, wasn’t willing to apologize and show me respect as her sons wife and grandchildren’s mother, I would cut her out of their lives.

The great thing about Facebook messaging is I can see that she read the message. But she hasn’t responded. In any way. She hasn’t called. She hasn’t messaged either of us.

Cutting her out is a hard choice. But what else is a mom to do.

Love, hugs and more to come later


Chaos. Just. Chaos.

I haven’t blogged in awhile. I just can’t seem to find even 5 minutes to sit down and write anything. AND SO MUCH HAS BEEN HAPPENING! So I am going to list all the exciting/important stuff in point form and (maybe) expand on it later in future posts!

  1. Hubs has been placed on permanent disability. Unfortunately he is getting worse. Not better.
  2. We were preapproved for a mortgage and are currently in the process of house hunting
  3. Nick is starting Speech Therapy and Occupational Therapy and was referred to the Children’s Development Center to be assessed for Autism and Sensory Processing Disorders.
  4. Alex is doing amazing in Kindergarten and is even starting to read!
  5. Zoey and Emma are both loving playgroup  (we go 2-3 times a week now)
  6. Zoey is incredibly articulate and loves to sing
  7. Emma is walking and starting to talk but still only has those 5 teeth! (13 months old)
  8. I have been seeing my psychologist for awhile now and taking my antidepressants and I am finally feeling more like myself and a lot better at coping with stress!
  9. Hubs and I are working hard on communicating better and being more open with one another. I feel like our relationship has grown leaps and bounds in the last couple weeks.
  10. Please Send Coffee!!
Love Hugs and more to come later!!

It’s all fun and games until…. someone breaks a bone…. 2nd edition

On August 16th I wrote a post with the same title. You can go read it here. Basically I had written about  how I was play fighting with the boys and Alex jumped on me. I caught him wrong. I hurt my wrist.

This time it’s a little different.  But here’s the story.

Yesterday Alex had his first day of kindergarten. He goes in the morning from 850 until 1130. He came home. Ate his lunch. And then asked if I would snuggle him for awhile. Hell to the yes I would.

So we were lying in bed snuggling. Alex sat up for a second to talk to Hubs. When he was done talking he lied back down. By lied back down I mean he threw himself back down.

He landed on my face. The Crack was heard by everyone.  As was my screech. 

My poor baby feels so guilty. I tried to hide how much pain I was in. But my nose. Oh. My. Word.  My nose. The pain. The blood. The swelling. The bruising. The black eye…. aaah.

Accidents happen.  It’s not his fault. It’s no one’s fault. And I’m glad it was me and not one of the kids. It was a good lesson on being careful. But.  I’m serious. A broken nose hurts.  So. Bad.

Now I’m sleeping on the couch. 1- I can’t sleep flat to avoid the increasing the swelling and causing bleeding. And 2- I’m pretty sure if Hubs or the kids bump my nose during the night I’ll die.

Alex has decided that even though he goes to bed in his room he’s going to keep me company and move to the other couch sometime during the night.


He is such a sweet boy. I love him so much. 

According to plan

Things never ever ever go the way they should. I should know this.  But I still manage to be caught off guard.

Two weeks ago Hubs had a Dr’s appointment. They confirmed his condition  is getting worse. The Dr speculated he would never work again. 

This past week Hubs was pulled out of school and now things are being set in motion to label him as permanently disabled. 

Hubs is having a hard time wrapping his head around this. As am I to be honest.  He’s only 29. It seems so unfair.

We’re looking into homeopathic treatment now to help with the pain and progression. Veterans affairs won’t cover it. But we’ll find a way to make it work.

My question to you: do any of my amazing readers have any favorite websites or books I can use to find information  on homeopathic treatments for chronic pain and nerve damage?

I hate to see him suffer. I hold out hope that there is something out there to help him. I found a lovely massage therapist who specializes is nerves willing to take him on. 

I feel so confused anynynd disjointed. I wish I could help him more but I don’t know how.

Emma turned 1!

I cannot believe that my baby is a full year old. I am mind boggled. My baby.  My last baby.  Who scared the hell out of me by coming a full month early and spending some time in the NICU. My stubborn baby had a hard time gaining weight and didn’t like to eat even after leaving the NICU. My pudgy baby who is now an average sized one year old. Who is walking. And talking.  And waving. And clapping. And sleeping. And gaining weight.  And growing. Ah! Where has the time gone?!?







Oh my beautiful Emma-Rose. You are such an incredible little girl. You are the perfect ending to our not-so-little family. You are stubborn hard headed and more then capable of holding your own with your brothers and sister. You came into our lives in the midst of turmoil and chaos and have brought so much happiness to us all. You are always smiling and happy. I look forward to your hugs and kisses and hearing your sweet voice call momma when you wake up. You’re going to do amazing things in this world my sweet girl. I can’t wait to watch you accomplish your dreams. Daddy and I love you so much.


A New Chapter

Next week Alex starts kindergarten. I have a really hard time wrapping  my heart around it. In my eyes he’s still my little blue eyed, blond haired, roly poly baby.


It takes a lot of faith in myself to let him go to school. To walk away from him everyday. To know he’s ready. 
Have I taught him enough?  Coddled him too much? Socialized him enough? Am I strong enough to put on a brave face and not show him how scared I am to let him go.


I know he’ll be fine. Deep inside I do. Deep down I know that there are thousands of mom’s feeling just as I am. Deep down I know that he’s ready. Hubs and I have done all we can. Now we need to let him spread his wings a little bit.


This boy was my first. My first child. He puked on me first. Walked first. Called me momma. Hugged me. Him and I will always have a bond that’s a little different then the other kids. Him and I did a lot of trial and error together that the other kids got to avoid.


The last almost 5 years have gone so fast. It’s hard to believe it’s already time to take this step. He’s excited. He’s ready. He’s ready because I’ve invested my time and energy into him. He’s ready because I’ve helped him be ready.


We’ve had so many adventures together. But this one is his. I always enjoyed school. And I hope he does too. I hope he makes friends and I hope he accepts people who are different. I hope he isn’t bullied but more than that I hope he isn’t classified a bully. I hope he’s challenged but I he doesn’t struggle.


I hope he doesn’t lose himself trying to fit in. I hope he has the strength and courage to stand up for what’s right. I hope he knows we’ll love and accept  him whoever he becomes. That his dad and I made bad choices too. That we’ll forgive his.


I can’t wait to see who he becomes. How he’s going to grow. I can’t wait to see his pride in himself when he figures out a hard math problem.  Or masters reading.


I wish we weren’t at this milestone yet.  But here we are. I need to let go a little bit. To demonstrate to him how to be brave. To not let him see my cry. To show him I’m proud of him. To keep the pain of him growing up to myself.


Let your light shine my sweet little boy. To me you’ll always be my blue eyed, blond haired, roly poly baby.