The truth in my pain

There was once a time when my children didn’t overwhelm my very being. When I wasn’t short tempered and impatient. When I could clean and cook and do fun stuff with them. When everyday was an adventure with them and not just a day to get through. When I loved every moment of being a mom and never wondered why I had kids. When I just knew.

And then depression entered my life. Now some days are good days. But most days aren’t. Most days are just days to get through. Now I find myself frustrated and annoyed by tantrums that I used to work through with them. I find myself allowing more screen time. I take them to the park less.

I write this with a heavy heart and tears running down my cheeks. Alex starts school in a month. The last days of having him home with me all day everyday are upon us. And I can’t muster up the strength to enjoy them. I feel trapped in my weaknesses.

I love my kids more then words can possibly express. But lately I wonder if they know that. If I am capable of showing them that. It hurts to think I might be failing them. To know I’m not being the best I can be. And not know how to fix it.

I feel so much guilt when I raise my voice. Or snap at them. Or show my annoyances.

I dont write this for your sympathy or to search for words of encouragement. I write this because I feel alone. But I can’t be the only mom who feels this. I hope my confessions can make even one mom feel a little less alone.

Whoever you are, you are not alone.

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3 thoughts on “The truth in my pain

  1. Wow, mama, thank you for sharing such an honest and genuine post. I admire and applaud you for being so brave and sharing this vulnerable story. I am thankful for moms like you who make other moms feel like they are not alone. This was so powerful to read and I am sending positive thoughts and energy your way. 🙂 Great post!

  2. A raw, honest, beautiful post from a very brave mama.
    It takes a lot of courage to be so open when you feel like this, I know, I’ve been there too.
    It DOES get better.
    Eventually.
    Until then, its one day at a time and enjoy the moments you can, and don’t feel bd about the ones you can’t.
    sending lots of hugs and good vibes your way, ❤ beck

  3. You are definitely not alone. I have struggled with depression ever since weaning my daughter 2 years ago. There will be days that are just awesome, but lately most I just pray for bedtime because I know that I am not being as good a mom as I am on good days. I keep telling myself that this will pass, I am sure it will for you too. We just need to keep going and not beat ourselves up too much, because guilt on top of everything else just makes one feel even more depressed and guilty. I will be thinking of you… your little ones know you love them and please know that you are not alone.

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