Refreshing My Memory

Disclaimer: I know my kids are blessings, and I know it’s just a bad day. It’ll get better. I know that. But that doesn’t change how I feel in this moment.
Today is one of those days that I need a reminder of why I’m doing what I’m doing. Why I have kids. Why having my kids as close together as they are was a good idea. Why I shouldn’t walk away.
Today is one of those days where I didn’t get enough sleep. I’m tired. I’m hormonal.
Today is one of those days where no matter how much I talk, no one hears me. No one wants to follow the rules. No one wants to play nicely. I can’t walk out of the room to pee without all hell breaking loose. Never mind walking out of the room to get anything done. Every one wants to play with the same toy even though we have thirty thousand toys in the house.
Today is one of those days where I can’t take the kids outside because they aren’t listening to safety rules (I know, because I tried) I can’t put a movie on to occupy them because they just scream and kick one another even if I try to sit them across the room from each other.
Today is one of those days I need to remind myself why I give so much of myself for so little in return. Remind myself why it’s all worth it when I’m sitting here crying because I’m so frustrated and tired and don’t want to be a mom right now.
Today is one of those days when I’m jealous that hubs gets to walk away from it all to go to work. With adults. And quiet. No one’s teething or fighting or leaving disgusting things in their diapers that he had to change. Where he doesn’t have to wash the floor three times in an hour because someone is too busy playing to pee on the potty.
I look at these children that grew within me. That are so stubborn and strong willed, just like me. And I can’t fathom how I am going to raise them. I can’t fathom why I want to.
And then I can. Suddenly it’s clear. I’m typing and it gets quiet. I look up and they are all sitting nicely watching the movie that finally grabbed their attention. Seeing me watching them Nick smiles at me. Alex looks over and says ‘I love you mom’ Zoey is sleeping.
I’m still tired. I’m still frustrated. I’m still crying and want to run away for a little while. But I remember why I do it. They need me. In a disposable world, I’m mom. I’m needed. And for now, that’s enough.

Love, hugs and more to come later

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