The Mommy Wars

I am very happy to say that today I noticed that my guest post was published on End the Mommy Wars blog. You can read my story on potty training here.

There is a reason that ending the mommy wars and stopping moms passing judgement on one another is very important.  There is a reason that I needed to sign the Mom Pledge.

I’ve never really explained my reasons. But today I am going to. Not because I feel like I need to defend myself. But because I want to.

I have stated in the past that I have been judged for my choices as a Mom. And I have stated before that I dealt with Postpartum depression and Anxiety after each of my children were born. It wasn’t bad after Alex and it hasn’t been too bad since having Zoey. But after Nick it was bad. Really super bad. I didn’t bond very well with him at first. Looking at us today you wouldn’t know that. But it has affected all the relationships in my household.

My husband bonded more with Nick than he did with the other kids, because he was making up for my lack of interest in him. I was more than willing to pass off all the feedings, diapers etc to him. I didn’t want to do any of that. If Alex needed me, I was there, if Nick needed me… it was harder to want to be there. I was still there. I tended to his needs. But there wasn’t the same emotional attachment to him. This affected how Hubs bonded to Zoey. Because I didn’t have the same problems bonding to her, he wasn’t as hands on with her and felt as though he wasn’t bonding to her at all. Thankfully, after him and I discussing this, he has realized this isn’t the case, he loves his little girl as much as he loves his little boys. I have no doubts about that.

When I decided to get pregnant with Zoey, the troubles I had with Nick played a big factor in that decision. I didn’t want to have another baby if I was going to have a hard time bonding to him/her. That wouldn’t be fair to me, the baby, the boys, or my husband. So I did some serious thinking about what contributed to those feelings. I figured it out pretty quick.

I realized that when I got pregnant with Nick, there were a lot of people who made negative comments and criticized that I would even keep the baby. (I know right.. imagine having someone tell you that you should’ve aborted your baby because your kids were to close together. Talk about mind boggling) There were comments about how I was being unfair to Alex by having another baby so soon. There were people who told me it was so so so hard and I would struggle with it. So few people said to me ‘You’re a good mom. You can so this. It’ll be tough, but you’ll figure it out’ The majority of it was ‘omg, you’re crazy.’  So I knew that I needed to get those people out of my life.

After I got the obviously negative people out, that left the more subtle people. Those people were harder to weed out. But by the time I had Zoey I had gotten rid of them. And you know what? My postpartum issues, were so so so minimal compared to what they were after Nick.

Part of me wishes that I could go back and not have the issues I did after I had Nick. But a bigger part of me cherishes the fact that I was able to build a strong bind with him in spite of our rough start. When his first word was Momma, my heart melted. And I am glad that those experiences gave me the voice I need to tell those negative people to shut up. I sincerely hope that my story can help even one mom not feel so alone. And realize that there are people out there who don’t just want to judge. I may not be the perfect mom, but I am perfect for my kids.

I encourage everyone to take the Mom Pledge and support one another instead of judging one another.

Love, hugs and more to come later!

Lynn

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7 thoughts on “The Mommy Wars

  1. Oh the subtle people. They’re the worst. And they’re the most surprised when you tell them to go to …. Good for you. As for Nick, you’re his mother, you have a bond even if you don’t feel it. Your PPD suppresses the feeling, but it’s building all the same. You’re a good mom.

    • Thank you so much for the lovely comment! 🙂 I definitely feel it now, but for the first probably 3 or so months of his life, it was rough going for him and I.

  2. You are an awesome mom no matter what. No matter what you have that bond with him, even if it took a little extra time to get a closer bond but from day one there was still that special bond. Each of us moms adjust to everything differently. Motherhood is a one day at a time experience.

  3. I love the pledge. I often feel judged as a plus size mom. I ‘should have gotten healthy’ before having children. Never mind that I am actually quite healthy, but have never been small. (No gestational diabetes or other major issues with any of my pregnancies.) We are meant to be a sisterhood, a sacred order. But we tear each other down over trivial things. I personally don’t care if you had the biggest epidural ever or had a water birth in a lake, breast fed or bottle fed, cloth or disposables, bed shared or not… As long as your kids are fed, don’t sit around in their own poop, and are loved- that is what matters.

    It is encouraging to see other moms who have overcome anxiety and depression (or are at least open about their struggles). I had severe anxiety after my second was born. I had to get off my medication for this pregnancy. Gosh, I miss it. I miss not having the edge of worry or stress in my shoulder blades.

    Keep spreading love mama. 🙂

    • Motherhood is a rough road to travel. We, as moms, need all the help we can get. It’s upsetting that some mom’s are too busy judging to remember that. The anxiety is the worst. It never leaves you. Thank you for your wonderful comments. It encourages me to keep writing, and keep opening up!

  4. I just found your blog, and after noticing the category “Ending the Mommy Wars and Supporting All Moms” I just had to take a better look. Wise words here, thank you for sharing!

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